You’re not selfish for feeling pity for yourself, what you went through was traumatic. Your childhood and even your own mother traumatised you. You say you had lucky chances but fucked it up. It seems like you put a lot of pressure on yourself and never gave yourself room to heal. When you keep all that emotion locked away for so long because you couldn’t/weren’t allowed to express them, it’s gonna come out eventually. That’s what’s happening right now. Give yourself a break, you deserve it. As to homelessness I can’t help you because we’re likely not from the same country but I recommend you talk to a psychologist about your situation. You might don’t like them because you were forced into a psych ward but this time it is in your own hands. You get to pick someone you’re comfortable talking with and you can cut it off when you want. I’m sorry you are going through this right now. Sending you love and support.