Here's the flip side to crying, trembling, it makes me feel powerless, like I don't have agency. It throws me back to the root cause of my issues. If I cry it's a rapidly downward spiral from there. Getting angry is the only thing that brings me back from the edge.

I'm sure it's super unhealthy, but rage and resentment are why I'm alive. I'm not violent, I don't go around yelling at people, most the time I'm cracking jokes, or helping people. Objectively, there's nothing to forgive myself for. Maybe that's why I can't move on, there's no lesson to learn from my trauma.

So deep down inside, there's a piece of shit version of me, he hates everything and I hate him. But when I'm weak, when I just want everything to end, he's there. Mad. Hungry. Determined.

Tears don't give me that. They just put me back in a place I don't see a way out of.

So, you might see them as a bridge to cross, but for me they're the river and they run right off a cliff.

I'm cool right now, your perspective was interesting to me though, so I thought I'd tell you mine