Unfortunately, I was the psycho (or certainly acted in a psychotic way). I had severely low self esteem and many insecurities. I constantly needed to be validated of his love for me, so I would always push the boundaries to see how far he would go to “prove his love for me.” I won’t go into details, but I did stuff like cut my own wrists and send him pictures of it to try and get him to come back. The thing is, the only reason he would leave in the first place is because I would tell him to get out.

I would constantly look up his ex wife on Facebook. Not really sure why? I liked to self trigger I guess. I was very jealous of their relationship. He was many years older than me and I was always jealous of the time they had together and that he was younger/better looking when they were together.

I would destroy his property and then gaslight him regarding it.

I would do manipulative/hypocritical things like talk to exes and go on tinder, but then turn around and accuse him of talking to exes.

I would be fine and loving one minute and the something he would say would trigger me and I’d go off the next.

On top of all that, I’m a hypochondriac. Daily, I was coming up with new diseases that I thought I had that I would feel the need to cry to him for hours about.

There are many more examples of this.

The thing is I was well aware of my actions and behavior and mental state. I tried breaking up with him many times throughout our 4 year relationship because ultimately I loved him. There was just something wrong with me. I wanted him to be free of me and at peace. He would always force his way back.

Towards the end of the relationship I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which I found relief in because it provided an explanation (not an excuse) for my behavior.

I could never put anyone else through what I put him. I’m committed to my therapy and getting my mental state in check before I jump into a new relationship.