The longer I'm alive the more I'm realizing not everyone has it so hard

a little too close for comfort

First don't be so hard on yourself. I know it's very difficult, I've hated myself so much I wanted to kill myself several times now. But try to love yourself, because really it's the only thing that makes sense. Learn from your mistakes, but move on. Whatever it is you feel you did wrong, do whatever it takes to make it right, and then put it behind you.

I'm sure you feel like you are much worse than everybody else, but you definitely aren't. My guess it's the opposite. Being obsessed about your thoughts and the things you wrote means you care, and that's already more than most people could say.

About the diagnosis, don't put too much emphasis on it. I'm three years in now since hell broke loose and still things aren't very clear to me. What matters is that you feel equipped to deal with the problems you face. If you don't, and the help you get from your doctor etc doesn't feel applicable to your situation, bring it up with him/her. If he won't take your concerns into consideration, seek a second opinion

It's a difficult reality to accept but we know very little about mental ilness and the treatment of it, and there is nothing that says you need to trust your psychiatrist if you feel he/she isn't considering what you have to say. Passing medical school may be difficult but it doesn't grant them the power to decide whats best for you

I knw very well the exhaustion from what kind of day to expect, i just gave up a job because of this. Just try to focus on what's important to you and take steps to achieve that

Idk if any of this makes sense it's 2am here and im getting pretty tired but feel free to pm me if you want to talk about anything whatever it may be. I feel like I'm in your situation

Good luck with everything