It will surely surprise some people to hear me say this, but Samsung is unable to empathize with the pain of its victims. But first, let me pose you a question: Is Samsung actually concerned about any of us or does it just want to introduce changes without testing them first? After reading this letter, you'll certainly find it's the latter. Nice try to make mountains out of molehills, Samsung.

Looking at it on the bright side, we must remove our chains and move towards the light. (In case you didn't understand that analogy, the chains symbolize Samsung's unambitious theatrics, and the light represents the goal of moving as expeditiously as possible to keep its spinmeisters at bay.) I really hate having to keep reminding everybody of this, but Samsung's admirers don't represent an ideology. They don't represent a legitimate political group of people. They're just flat inficete.

Although Samsung was likely following the dictates of its conscience when it decided to draw young children into its dissolute way of life, the fact remains that the time for empty talk is over. Now arrives the hour of guiding the world into an age of peace, justice, and solidarity. Although Samsung is only one turd floating in the moral cesspool that our society has become, it ought to unstop its ears and uncover its eyes. Only then will Samsung hear that to which it has been too long heedless. Only then will it see that it keeps talking about the importance of its cause. As far as I can tell, Samsung's “cause” is to perpetuate misguided and questionable notions of other pompous peculators' intentions. It deeply believes—and wants us to believe as well—that its cause is just, that it's moral, and that the world will love it for promoting it. In reality, there is no more noble activity than converting retreat into advance. The interest of that portion of social arrangement is a trust in the hands of all those who compose it; and as none but squalid, frightful schemers would justify it in abuse, none but creeps would barter it away for their own personal advantage. The implication, of course, is that Samsung hates people who have huge supplies of the things it lacks. What it lacks the most is common sense, which underlies my point that Samsung's outbursts are not an abstract problem. They have very concrete, immediate, and unpleasant consequences. For instance, Samsung says that it is known for its sound judgment, unerring foresight, and sagacious adaptation of means to ends. It's not clear how that possibly can be the case, but why let facts stand in the way of a good story? After all, Samsung has never concerned itself with the fact that it has convinced a generation of people that I'm some sort of cully who can be duped into believing that it would never dream of telling everyone else what to do. One must pause in admiration at this triumph of media manipulation. As this letter draws to a close, let us remind our adversaries that we will take a no-nonsense approach to dealing with money-grubbing, beastly ex-cons. In this task we shall not flag or fail. Whatever the cost may be, we shall call a spade a spade. We shall go on to the end. We shall, with growing confidence and growing strength, shed the light of truth on the evil that is Samsung. We shall never surrender.