Reddit, how are you?

I'm actually pretty far from okay. My entire life has been a living hell, but I used to have faith that if I just got a steady job, got married, had a family, and quietly lived out my days then it would've all been worth it.

I'm too mentally ill to hold a job, my relationships have all been horrible failures; mostly because I had to learn the hard way that being completely committed and monogamous is actually the exception, not the rule, and just because a woman tells me she likes me doesn't mean she's The One. I never had very many friends, on account of the fact that my social skills were never really developed, and about a year ago I lost the last couple I had. One died, the other who'd been having increasing problems with alcohol attacked me and ended up threatening to shoot me. Then my wife decided this was a good time to spring her plan, and have me arrested for something I didn't do, and the first day I was in jail she sold my car and invited in all her friends, including the ones she started sleeping with. Meanwhile, I ended up naked in a fully clear jail cell pissing in a hole in the floor on suicide watch, before being released to the street to sleep under a tree.

Since then, I'm on probation and the last resort for a place to stay was to move across the country to live with my mother whom I hardly know, which is turning out to be an incredibly stressful and toxic environment. My therapists don't know what to do with me besides tell me to practice my coping skills and cheer the fuck up.

I stay in my bed with my laptop all day and try to keep myself from crying while trying to figure out how in the hell I'm going to manage to kill myself without screwing it up. I no longer believe in God, and love is a myth we're taught to believe in to try and keep women to stay with us when really we're just a tool for them to use and be discarded. Men are the ones who want to be married; women just want to have a wedding.

I was also one of those poor widdle suckers who thought I was going to college to get myself a degree and a future, only to find out the school was bullshit, and they just used me to get their hands on every penny of financial aid I was good for. My degree is worth nothing, and the debt has been increasing faster than I can pay it down for years. I can't go back to school now.

I have no one, and nothing. I have one suitcase full of clothes and junk to my name and most of my clothes are falling apart and don't fit. The last three times I was in a mental hospital, no one visited me once. I even told them I was still suicidal when they turned me loose, but I legally wasn't their problem anymore since I didn't have an immediate plan. I doubt I'm going to make it through the winter.

So, thanks for asking. The words on a screen aren't exactly a hand on my shoulder, but it's the closest I've got to someone checking in on me.

/r/AskReddit Thread