I just turned 29 on May 18th.
Man, I don't know how to really start. It's mainly frustration -- with everything. Girlfriend, work, my passion, my mom. When I was working at my dead end office job in 2014 I was getting seriously depressed yet had it decently good. The job paid meh, I got to live in my own apartment in Cambridge Mass(luckily), which was awesome and got to date a lot as well. But I wasn't happy at all for some reason. Everything felt like a repeat. So I decided I wanted to quit work and travel for a few months. Work on my own invention, a board game. Which is hard, because you're thinking to yourself "What the hell will I do when I get back? I won't have a job or an apartment!?" and my mother lives alone in with no source of income so every monthy, I essentially give her an allowance. So I had to make this work by saving enough money to support her while on this trip (i.e Peapod, paying her bills online and having enough to have have a leg to stand on). I'm going to be honest with you, I just saved up like a little over 3 or 4 grand that I was willing to spend. The rest, I just put away somewhere that I promised I wouldn't touch ever unless it was a life or death situation.
After talking to my brother, he suggested I go to Thailand -- his fiancé is Thai, and her best friend's husband owns an apartment complex in Bangkok (again, lucky!). So I went. I stayed in Bangkok for 2 months. Working on the game and just living life, meeting new people.
Time to go back to the States, with an unfinished but in my opinion an a-o-k boardgame. I went to NYC first to visit my brother. Showed off the game, played with him and his brother in law. The game was too confusing so I decided to scrap it. I started working on a shitty comic I wanted to make a web series for. I did 100 pages, full color, posted online -- no feedback, so I just got angry -- at myself for not making the comic more dynamic and actually GOOD. So then I tried to make a card game! I created it, fully made, I was like this is it! I made a kckstrter for it, I literally had one guy interested. Lol, which I enjoyed his enthusiasm as he wanted to help find people and his friends to fund my game, but it fell short as no one else pledged.
So then I was like, LaughingOnTheSun, go back to the drawing board! So I went back to Boston, and stayed at my mother's place for a bit with plans to go back to NYC a few months later, and maybe look for a job there. So while I stayed in Boston, my ex girlfriend (of like 8 years), we hooked up. I cursed myself for doing this -- but it happened and I didn't think much of it. I was at a buddy's place, sitting around shooting the shit. And I get a text from my ex girlfriend that's she's pregnant.
Now let me give you some history of my ex. There are only 2 girls in my life I've ever called my girlfriend, and she holds the title of being in my life the longest. As I knew her since I was 13 years old, we started dating when I was about 18. We had strong feelings for each other, long story short, I broke it off because I wanted to see more what's out there. Which lead way to meeting my other crazy ex, but that's a story for a different time. Anyway, my ex of 8 years, we'll call her Claire, tells me shes pregnant and wants to keep the child. I get nervous about this, I tell her I'm not ready to have a kid since we're not even in a relationship, I don't have a job, she just finished school and wasn't working yet, and her parents/family and I are not really in good terms. She cries a lot, I cry a lot. We decided to have the child, only for her to be swayed by her family members not to have the child. I respected the decision and decided it's for the best. She has an abortion -- she gets very depressed about it and says she still wants to be with me. I give in, and say yes. So then we talk about moving in together, so I crawl back to my shitty job, and ask for my job back. They give it back, we save up for a few months, and move in to an apartment somewhere outside Boston MA.
Now I feel like I'm back in my routine again, with a person who I don't think I really want to be with. We rarely have sex, my sex drive alone has come to an all time low. I got promoted at my other job that isn't as much of a soul sucker (was working 2 jobs), it's definitely better, but I'm not satisfied with it as something I want to do long term.
I contacted a software developer company about my card game in hopes to see how much it would cost to get my game created as a mobile game. The guy I talked to, very nice fella, was telling me 2 guys on the job working 40hrs a week would cost me roughly 2500 a week. That was enough to say "FUCK" and hold off until I can save a decent amount to perhaps get a ball rolling.
I'm frustrated. With not being able to get my own thing going -- living with my lady (she is a sweet gal though), and just life in general. I'm feeling that routine. And that itch to get in my car and drive off to the sunset always crosses my mind. The main thing holding me back is my cat. I kind of want to cry when I think about my cat wondering where I'm at. Lol.
I'm frustrated, but not going to give up! WHEW. That felt good writing out.