Not sad but depressed as fuck.
I've been in an mentally abusive relationship for 4 years. I have bad abandonment issues because of when I was a child, so for a while the thought of leaving him scared me more then being with someone who treated me like this. Thoughts that are normal turn into anxiety for me. "What will I do without him" or things like that, turn into straight anxiety. Also I have never hurt anyone, and I'm scared of hurting him.
When I did finally get the courage to leave him, he threatened to kill himself. And made it seem like I was the problem. At first I believed maybe I was the problem. He turns every situation around on me being 'crazy' or 'my own issues'. Yes I have issues I agree, but there hasn't been a day that's went by that I haven't been called ugly, stupid, retarded. He makes jokes constantly about other girls. At first they were funny, but after 3 years of almost every day, it starts being insulting. I never get to pick what we do, like what to watch and stuff. Anything I suggest is "stupid". Anything that goes wrong on him he instantly takes it out on me, even if it has nothing to do with me. A lot of other things too, like even sex, has become not comfortable for me. Always what he says or all of a sudden "You're not attractive." "you're boring" "fine I'll find someone that will" He has also taken all my money. Every month. He has also cheated on me more times then I can count, each time it was because he says, he's lonely, or that I'm over exaggerating, that he is going to spend his life with me, and what does it matter?
Because of my depression, abandonment issues, extreme anxiety, I'm scared to leave him and where I'll be... but I've gotten to the point where I think I'd be fine. Which is great.. however I am still completely and utterly scared that it would hurt him. I've never hurt anyone. And I'm scared he would do something stupid to himself. I completely take care of him, and have been there every day for him for three years. I do love him and care about him. So him killing himself would destroy me honestly.
The sad thing is before I met him, my depression, abandonment issues,and anxiety were getting better. I had been working hard on improving myself. And now they have got worse then they ever have.
The worst part is, about a year ago, I met a guy that was 100% like me. He was even in the same situation as me with another girl. (He got out of his situation, after she cheated on him, and he had enough, and just didn't care anymore) But besides that, we are very much alike, and I enjoy more then anything talking to him, and tbh I'm in love with him. He's in love with me too. We knew it the same day we met (ofc we didn't say anything till months later). Now I've never went over the line with him, nor him with me. We do still speak, but as friends and nothing more. He has begged me multiple times to leave my SO.. however I just can't in fear my SO will kill himself. I'm madly in love with this person, and I know there's no one that would make me happier or understand me better. This is what depresses me more then anything. I won't ever get to be with the one true person I've met that understands my life more then anyone else I've ever met, or who completes me. All because I'm scared.
I feel weak, and pathetic. I feel worthless. I feel horrible because I can't make the guy I've decided not to hurt happy, and I can't make the guy I'm in love with happy. I'm completely depressed over all of this.
I know some of you will say "Just leave him it doesn't matter if he kills himself" But it does to me. I've never hurt anyone my whole life. I've even hurt myself not to hurt others. I've gone out of my way not to hurt others, because I know exactly how it feels to be hurt. I never want anyone else to feel like that, because of me. If he killed himself, I'd feel worse then I ever did, nothing would fix that. And my anxiety 100xs that feeling.
I also feel like a burden. There hasn't been a day in 2 years where I haven't thought about just killing myself to make everyone else happy.
Idk life sucks sometimes. This whole thing is my fault also for sticking in this situation. I just don't know what to do anymore.