I feel like a useless piece of shit, basically unlovable, and just plain angry at the world.

Everyone, I mean everyone I know is getting married soon or is already married. I'm almost 30 and keep failing at relationships since I started dating at 15. I feel like no man who shares the same religious beliefs as me will ever wanna date/marry me because I don't want children. I live in the middle of bumfuck nowhere in the south and have no way out because of my OCD keeping me from getting a job and idiotic doctors that won't give me the correct meds Gabapentin and Valium are the only shit that work for me.(I get them illegally so I would fail a drug test at a job) even though I have shown them proof that OCD can be helped and treated with those meds according to health articles online...they still won't prescribe them to me or know that I am taking them on the down low.

I'm lonely. So incredibly lonely that if I don't have my OCD/Depression meds I drink far too much...and I cannot sleep at night at all. I just curl up in a ball and cry until I finally pass out.

I had someone for a while. But, they turned out to be a lying son of a bitch. Just like the rest. I was in love with him and he was just stringing me on.

Half the time I feel like life would be better if I was a man. But, I know that I am not transgender. I am just fed up with how women are treated.

I look at myself in the mirror everyday and still see myself as 230 pounds instead of the 135 I am now. I think I am incredibly ugly as shit even though people (both men and women) have told me I'm pretty all my life. If I'm so fucking pretty than why has the girl who used to get called a dog at my old high school been married to the same man since she was 19? Fuck life. I don't wanna die. But, I sure the fuck don't want this shit anymore.