Be yourself, life is too short. Oportunity for this growth is here. Experience it to the fullest. If she loves you she won't want to hold you back in this situation. Also polyamory is about self accountability. If she is resorting to blaming you for how she feels and not doing self work through it then this isn't a good fit. It's healthy to consider her feelings but it's not her path to walk on it's a path you pave. While you may change, that's you being the individual you are. People do change. Loving them through it is what makes longevity. Not all growth has to be together with your wife. Especially if you are being poly where you "grow" as yourself.

P.s. if someone's issue depends on the gender of a partner this is wrong. No relationship is less/ more valid than another because of it's heteronormativity.