I could have written your post, I feel exactly the same way, and I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. It's so brutal. I, too, hate myself for still loving him, it's like it leaves me burning with humiliation to know I still care even though he destroyed my self-respect and drained all the joy out of my life. I'm so angry that I have to put myself back together while he doesn't even give me a second thought. But I keep trying to believe that eventually, I will work through the pain and there will be strength and peace and maybe even some happiness out there for me.

Be gentle with yourself, it's a hard process, but you have the insight and the determination to get through this.