Hello epicpillowcase,

Gosh, this really sounds tough and so mentally and physically draining.

That really resonates with me - I too have suffered compulsions and obsessive thoughts of a similar nature in the past. E.g. did I send an email that I shouldn't have; did I misstate my income on my tax return; etc.

I have 'recovered' to a point where - with the important help of a trusted GP - I now manage this fairly well almost all the time (I find high stress scenarios can flare it up temporarily). I'm always going to be highly strung in tense situations, but that's just what makes me me.

I'm not a doctor but I can share with you what has personally helped me. First, when my thoughts were out of control and really taking over every aspect of my life about a decade ago, I decided to seek the help of my GP. I spent many appointments in tears from pure exhaustion and frustration with the tangle I was in. I couldn't engage in discussions with people at times because the thoughts circling in my head were so noisy - I'd get to a point where I had enough 'evidence' that a certain series of event had occurred but then I'd later fall back into the rumination cycle and need to start from scratch again - e.g. "Ok, I didn't send it because I remember typing these keys and then having someone call me... no, wait, DO I remember that or have I made it up... argh!".

What a doctor advises you, should you do the same, will be personal to your individual circumstances, so I won't comment on that.

One other key thing that has really stuck with me is practising challenging the thoughts - one thing I find particularly useful is to imagine what my friend or relative would say if I asked them to assess the situation - and I suspect in your scenarios that you've described that they would probably say something like, "If you didn't actively or consciously go about sending the messages or making a recording, there is an almost certainty that it did not happen." How might you advise a friend with the same conundrum? I wonder whether it might be something like, "what are the chances that it happened - pretty minute? What evidence (short of being tempted to check the message history) do you have that it DID happen (probably none)?" Or "If you have no memory of it, it almost certainly didn't happen". I think it might take a bit if learning to trust your initial observation - but I know this is hard, when OCD tends to want to fictionalise memories.

Wishing you all the very best in finding your way out of this to a more enjoyable life. Just remember that it's within your power to do something to make a start.