checks the subreddit rules Hmmmm. NSFW. Really NSFW. Still. Why not.

(spoiler) Alright, so, I was homeless in Las Vegas for two years after being the victim of domestic abuse, a medical issue from a drug reaction during my recovery that bankrupted me and crippled me temporarily with massive nerve and tendon damage. Anyways, on to the story.

So after over a year out recovering from this and beginning to plan my escape from homelessness I had found a group of half-decent people and we all slept in a group for safety in numbers. Shelters are death traps full of fleas, bedbugs, and the most predatory of hobos. So we generally had a 6-7 hour window where we could sleep at a certain location so every minute was precious and we would move with efficiency rarely seen the world of hobos. Just one problem: Miguel. Miguel had been a construction worker but a head injury on the job had left him retarded and unable to manage his money(or anything else) at all. Not a lick of sense. Nice little guy but dumb as a box of rocks. Well, Miguel had fallen in love with someone in my group. A big ol gal thrice his size with mild schizophrenia. They were both irresponsible but love is love and I was happy for them both. Anyways, things didn't work out and she needed some space but his memory wasn't all that good so most days he'd just spend looking for her. Unfortunately by days I mean about 3 in the morning he come stumbling drunk through our camp screaming, "SHARON!" at the top of his lungs over and over until we all got up and convinced him that she wasn't with us but at another location(blatant lies, mostly from me, I had no clue where she was I just wanted to sleep). Well, this wore on for a bout a month. Me and the group were really running on fumes and Miguel was just fine as he mostly slept while passed out drunk during the day.

During one such day while he slept a dozen feet away from where we hung out I spied an abandoned giant dildo. This thing was as big around as my wrist and two feet long. Bright red and glistening with some unknown substance. It's Vegas, these things happen. Most of us were pretty grossed out by the thing. Even hobos have standards. I was pretty pissed at Miguel and there that dildo sat, so improbably abandoned. A dark thought entered my head and I acted on it. The group watched in horror and awe as I used a triple layered grocery bag as a glove to big up this massive, rancid faux phallus and stealthily advanced toward Miguel while giggling like a madman. They watched in horror and disbelief as I slowly crept up on the sleeping man, as if I were some kind of hobo ninja, dick katana in hand. I crouched at Miguel's side and could smell the cheap malt liquor waft off of him. Out like a light. Ever so gently and daintily I placed wretched object, still half wrapped in the grocery bag, into Miguel's hands and slowly withdrew as quietly and gently as I had advanced. I had a friend retrieve my purell from my backpack and squirt a big dollop into my hands. There Miguel laid in the shade, that bright red sex toy in hand. Mere inches from his face. For 3 hours.

Passers by only briefly paused, perhaps to try and remember if they'd ever seen this specific shade of depravity before. Then, Miguel slowly awoke, looked at the dildo with a puzzled face for about a minute before an expression of realization crossed his face. He tossed it into the street before rolling over and falling back to sleep. In retrospect, I feel a little bad about it but after the hell he put me through, he got off very very lightly compared to what many others on the mean streets of crack alley would have done. Last I heard Miguel was still pissing away his monthly settlement stipend on booze and whores and fancy rooms on the Strip for the first 3 days of every month and then is homeless the rest of the month. Saw Sharon not too long ago and bought her lunch at a fast food joint, she is very quiet these days but looks healthy. As for me, well I got a resume, some job leads, and some interview clothes together with a once a year housing voucher and got myself a cockroach infested studio apartment two blocks from where I hung out when I was homeless. I'm working a full time job and my roommate who had been out with me has been working on and off too. It isn't pretty or perfect but it beats waking up at 3 am every night to "SSHHHHAAAAARRRRROOOOON!!!!!!!" :) (/spoiler)