Currently 23 years old.
At 18 I went to my first college, and the first month was probably the happiest I ever was. I met an interesting lady and within a few months she was my girlfriend. There were a lot of issues. Her parents were insane, and physically abusive. Her mom hated me from the first day and pretty much thought I was worthless. She had lots of mental roadblocks because of how she grew up. Her life was very hard, she spent half of it growing up in a slum in a different country because her mom didn't want to take care of her when she was a baby and shipped her off to relatives. Several of her friends died before her eyes, sometimes in brutal ways.
In addition to all this, she claimed to have a disease that was potentially fatal. I'm not sure what it was, and it could have been mental. She would fall asleep randomly, and once she went into a strange childlike state. I followed her around not knowing wtf was going on, and made sure she went to class. Halfway through class, she suddenly comes to and has no idea how she got there. She refused to seek help.
All this crap I got pretty depressed. She didn't like people and I couldn't blame her given what she had seen. I slowly started to withdraw from things. Eventually I got so unhappy and fed up with college that I quit a year and a half in.
There was a whole summer period where my girlfriend nearly died... or at least claimed to. Frankly that whole story is so convoluted I don't know what to believe really happened.
I ended up going to a different college, known for its very tough workload. It was in a different state, and made things even harder with my girlfriend. The workload here is brutal, and a few times I've gotten so angry here that my heart goes into a week long fit of recurrent palpitations.
I moved in with my girlfriend and obviously there were problems. It felt like she was very dependent on me, and treated my like she was my mother. There were things I just "couldn't do" and things I "had to do." Her emotional stability was the card here. I had tried to break up several times but kept going back. It took me a month to gather up the strength to do it for good.
It's been a year since then, and I'm just sticking out my last damn year at this school to get my degree and finally be free. I live in Seattle, and moved up from SoCal. The PNW is a beautiful place, but I can't wait to go back to my warm obnoxious state. If I died before I hit 24 and graduated I'd feel my whole life was a tremendous waste of time. I'm paranoid about dying within the next year, every stupid ache and pain makes me anxious.
I still miss my ex. I don't want to date her again. But she was a good person, besides all you see up there. I didn't stick with her for 3 years for no reason. She is extremely intelligent, truly the smartest person I've ever met, and is capable of amazing things. I wish she believed in herself. She's fun to talk to, and sees things in an interesting way. When I broke up with her it destroyed her, I want her to find happiness but frankly I'm not sure she will.
And now I'm just waiting, burning time that is no longer cheap. I see some wrinkles under my eyes, my hairline is receding, and my lower back hurts. Small but real reminders that every year counts, and youth is not forever. I'm lonely here, the "Seattle Freeze" seems to be a real thing, not that I help being a socially awkward person myself. And who knows if I'll be happy after I graduate, I've been living life in a perpetual state of "it'll be OK once I get there."
All in all I realize this is a pretty unhappy post. I wouldn't say I'm depressed now. Overall I'm doing alright. This post, after all, is about the worst of the past five years. I will graduate with almost no debt, with a CS degree and internship experience. I really can't complain about what I've been given in life. But I wouldn't say I'm happy.