I'm pretty young (18, starting college in the fall) and therefore Don't Really Know Anything but the last 8 or so years have been pretty tumultuous so I wanted to share with you my thoughts about this. I'm an American woman but for the last decade I've only lived in South Asian/African countries where people are often arrested/jailed for being gay, excluding the year I was 15 & my parents kicked me out for being queer and I lived in the US. Following that year of homelessness/bad situations I was able to return to where my parents had moved (South Asia) and finish high school living with them and paying rent in their house. After that, I was trying to graduate while also working a job & trying to apply to colleges and sort out my financial aid (as my parents wouldn't be contributing) My home life has never been great & obviously was pretty bad after I moved back home, and I was dealing with all the stress by using drugs/substances to sleep & to be productive. My high-school was extremely privileged expat kids - and I was the only person out of the closet at the school. At the same time I was living in a country with very visible poverty/tragedy/violence, and my gay friends in the area were being arrested/beaten up - so it was impossible for me to feel sorry for myself, because for the most part I was incredibly lucky. I couldn't always stay at my parents house at night, but being homeless in (South Asian Country) as a young white female is vastly different from being a homeless person native to the country. My entire life I had struggled with crippling anxiety & a fear of losing everything - but now, after the two years I spent there after moving back in, I am the least afraid I have ever been. I was constantly advocating for myself: financial aid offices, my parents, my classes, shitty classmates, the administration at school, violent men. It was exhausting and I often felt like I had no one or like I should just give up and die because I was so terrified of the days to come & thought I wouldn't make it.

I don't know if this is how it is for everyone, or if I'm just 'lucky', but god, it felt like bad shit just kept happening and I was so damn scared. The last 8 months of my senior year of high school, in addition to all of the above, a good friend killed himself, another friend had his first schizophrenic episode while I was essentially the only person 'looking out' for him (he's doing well now), an earthquake in Nepal killed several other friends as well as obliterated an entire valley that I'd spent some formative years in, I was sexually assaulted, and then, after my parents and coworkers had left for Nepal to give aid, there was a second/equal-strength earthquake & I couldn't get in contact with any of them for hours. I remember sitting in the car driving home from class just crying my eyes out. Because, Christ, of course there would always be something else.

minor digression: A few weeks earlier, Zayn had left the band One Direction on the same day another friend was arrested for 'family member reported sodomy' (for being gay). A mutual friend and I were talking/crying about it (the friend in jail, not 1d) and he had looked at me and said: 'First Zayn, now this.' which is completely ridiculous, but we both busted up.

In my car after the earthquake, I remembered that day and thought to myself "First Zayn, now this" and once again did a 180 from sobbing to choking with laughter. After I'd calmed down, I was riding the hormonal waves/endorphins (?? or adrenaline?? i dont know science) and thinking over the last year of my life. At that point, most of my financial aid was worked out and despite my parents best attempts to sabotage my documents/aid, I would be going to college in the fall, all on my own. I was mostly done with high school, and I had just won a fight with local lawmakers about whether or not our international school was allowed to keep running the Gay Straight Alliance I'd started a year prior. I felt like I was constantly jumping over hurdles and the world was just continuing to throw shit at me that no kid should have to handle and it was ridiculous, but I was WINNING. For years I'd been fighting battle after battle on blind faith alone that things would get better, and they didn't, but I got better. I was strong as fuck and I never broke under the weight of it all, and I had never seen it that way until that day in the car. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Man, bring it on! Earthquake? I can take it. I got your earthquake right here. I knew then that for one thing, I wouldn't kill myself. I had loved living so much that I was constantly anxious about fucking up & losing it all. When you're struggling with anxiety and depression, it often feels paradoxical bc you feel like you want to die, but at the same time you're scared out of your mind. Shit happens and makes you anxious all day, and you come home and want it to end on your terms. Like when you're waiting to hear the answer to a question, & you hope the outcome'll be favorable, but it goes on for so long at a certain point you're just like, man, I don't even care what happens, I just wanna KNOW! Every day I woke up like "Is today gonna be terrifying and painful? Am I gonna make it through?" and I always did, but the uncertainty was killing me. That day, I made my decision: I was going to survive. I'm a tiger, a hurricane, I am unbreakable, and you are too, if you say you are. The world was throwing me blow after blow but I would not go down until they really took me down. Make it or die trying, ya know? Would I make it through? I didn't know, but I didn't care. I was coming for the world, and maybe it would kill me, but I would go down with a hell of a fight. Granted, my experience wasn't necessarily typical of someone my age, but I couldn't change what happened to me & what I had been through. I had to keep going, no matter how scared I was. And I did. In two weeks, I fly out of here and start school, and I'm ready for literally anything. I've always been pretty afraid of planes, & before getting on I read & memorize articles like 'How to Survive a Plane Crash' & spend the flight on edge, waiting to leap up and go out the emergency exit. Most plane crash deaths happen in fires, so you're supposed to get 100 meters away from the plane as soon as possible. I am so determined & convinced that I would run my ass off and survive that plane crash, even if I was the only one who made it out. And man, even if I didn't, I would put up a hell of a fight. I know it's ridiculous to think you could have any control over something like that, but this is how I've made it through - in the face of insurmountable, terrifying odds, fight for yourself. Fight for who you were before you got scared, fight for everything you're afraid to lose. Fight for what you believe in and fight for your own happiness. Survive the big awful plane crash that is life or die trying. tl;dr: tragedy is big and scary and it might take you down but until it does, be a warrior & do what it takes to feel strong (my suggestion? go see mad max fury road in theaters 4 times, what a great movie)