Honestly, every day I struggle. Haven't had work in..6-7 years. Have some weird learning disabilities (which makes it x10 harder to do anything coupled with depression) Doesn't even feel like I'm alive.

Lots of past trauma from not only shitheads (people pretending to be my friends for years) but family as well. I'm actually amazed I've even made it this far with everything I went through. Honestly feels like I've lived through two lifetimes and ready for that sweet release.

Also (this is pretty bitter) most of the people/friends I grew up with are living the dream I wanted. Doesn't help that I see their names pop up in certain places and it just makes me want to die. Happy for them but my heart sinks at the thought I could have been there with them. Reason I didn't pursue it is because that line of work doesn't have high standards really and almost anyone could go in there and be considered a god. Similar to if all the best movies you've seen are acted out by porn stars and almost everyone who watches it says you're crazy for thinking they're bad. So it gives me a bit of a mindfuck.

This isn't how I wanted my life..to be so bitter and hateful..I was so passionate and excited for the future and now I'll be stuck as some cleaning maid with too many cats and too broken to do anything. No hope, no skills, no family (since they're pretty much all dead) no car, house, money, not even a highschool education. If you were to point out a person to NOT be like, you would pick me. My fault for being so shitty I guess. Sorry.

Only reason I haven't killed myself is because I'm a huge fan of cinema and would hate to have missed Parasite.