A month ago.

I work in mental health, predominantly with children and families. Over the years, I have heard described in detail all types of terrible abuse and trauma. I am careful around confidentiality, so I do not talk specifics with my family and friends. Even non-identifying information is rarely discussed, because who wants to burden loved ones unnecessarily with those stories? And there is never really is a great time to causally bring up child abuse.

So I compartmentalize the stories in my head. I choose when I take them out for work, and I put them back when I’m done.

And that works 99.9 percent of the time. Really, I feel surprisingly unaffected the vast majority of the time. It takes a lot to shock me.

Last month, I was hanging out with a friend at a bar. The topic shifted to work stress. It all hit at once, including stuff from several years ago. I obviously didn’t share any specific patient details with him, but tears welled up and I was overwhelmed by a mix of anger and sadness. I verbally vomited all my repressed feelings over him for a good 30 minutes. I looked and probably sounded like a drunk, blubbering mess; though I wasn’t exceptionally intoxicated. I think he probably assumed I was by how emotional I became. I’ve been feeling incredibly embarrassed since.

But I also feel a little better. I don’t feel like I am holding much in right now. I don’t feel like I am going to erupt again any time soon.

So I probably owe my friend a beer. I definitely hope to be better company next time.