I made a self-contract. Basically I put together a list of things I wanted to do before I die, and the condition was that I would try my best within "x" amount of time to do them. If I failed, then I'd go through with my suicide plan. I also had fail safe conditions. If extremely horrible events were to occur before the time limit was up, it was reason enough to go through with the suicide plan. These events would be like, certain levels of assault, death of a loved friend etc.

The trick is to give yourself a wide range of easily attainable tasks or goals. For example, I wanted to cut my hair into a new style, so I did. That means I had to add more time to the deal. I wanted to own a cat at least once in my life. A few weeks later a kitten who had been mauled by dogs limped up to my doorstep and I now have a cat. I wanted to make one friend. This one was a bit harder but maybe the universe took pity on me and I met someone who was basically my twin and I can talk to her for hours on end. Our first time hanging out was playing Pokemon Go in a park.

Overtime, as I completed small tasks, it was encouraging. I became more focused on what I could do, as opposed to what I wasn't capable of. I started to add helpful or more difficult tasks along the way, like seeing a therapist regularly.

I have now graduated from college, have a full time job in marketing and a wide range of absolutely amazing friends that I go on adventures with. I've fallen in love, traveled to new countries and learned new skills/talents.

Do I still think about my suicide plan? Always. But now it seems less real, farther away from reality than it's ever been. And honestly, I'm happy. Life may not be perfect, but my cat thinks I'm the best thing in the whole wide world. And that's good enough for me.