March 3rd I got the call from my mom that her mother wasn't doing well. My grandmother had been diagnosed with cancer not too long beforehand, and by time it was found it was the make her comfortable" stage.

The next morning, I drove the 2 hour drive to parents house, picked them up, then drove up nearly the entire east coast. This was also during the storm that buried a large chunk of the North East in ice. Ran into it in Maryland, causing the trip to take 2 days.

Thursday night (the 5th) we got to my grandparents house around 11pm. I saw my grandmother like I'd never seen her. The strong, stubborn, proud woman I'd remembered from my childhood was in a fetal position on a hospital bed, thin, frail, could barely move more than her eyes, and hooked up to a breathing machine. My grandfather and her hospice nurse were in the room with her, and she was struggling to breathe. Shortly after we got there, she started gasping. The nurse called the doctor, who came and gave her morphine. She fell asleep, and we sat in the next room silently drinking coffee. A few minutes later, she started gasping worse. All I could think of was a fish on dry land. It was horrible to witness, but my mother, grandfather, older sister, and I sat with her. It lasted about 10 minutes. As bad as the gasping was, when it stopped it felt even worse. Her breathing stopped, her heart stopped. Life stopped. My grandmother stopped. The realization hit, and watching my grandfather go completely pale and cry, and my mother and sister completely break down was soul crushing. I cried for them, I cried for my grandmother, and the rest was a blur. We were all tired, but I doubt anyone slept that night.

The next week was a blur as we went through the steps of the funeral, making sure my grandfather was taken care of, and my parents and I made the trip back south.

The part that's been weighing on me incessantly since then is my own parents. My father has lung cancer, as well as various neurological issues (hereditary, yay..) and honestly his doctors are surprised that he's still here, considering the close calls he's had. My mother has had two heart attacks, as well as her fair share of health issues.

I'm going to lose my parents. My dad doesn't have much longer, and lately when my phone rings and I see my mom's number, part of me is afraid it's that call. Without my dad, I know my mom wouldn't be able to last. They're completely dependent on each other. I don't want to lose my parents, but now the fear lingers. I don't want to see either of them go through what my grandmother did. I don't want them to be gone. I don't want lose them.

So, yeah, I watched my grandmother die. I saw her last moments, I saw my loved ones break down, and I saw my own parents mortality.

I know I kind of rambled, but dammit it still hurts, and it still makes me tear up.