In a way, my entire life has turned into a game of roulette, multiple times. I don't think I refuse to ask for help, I've just come to the conclusion that either I don't know the "propper" way, or don't deserve help. This post for instance is a plead for help.. but, bootstraps. lol
I've been literally homeless multiple times, while an adventure you are always skirting one catastrophy or another. One day it's food the next an infection. One week the cold the next dehydration.
You ask for help, you need something major, so you get a hundred bucks. This sounds like a lot, but it's far from life changing, and took swallowing enough pride to choke the average joe. The next time it's fifty.. then twenty.. then enough for a sandwich. You give up asking for any sort of meaningful help, you give up on being ernest. "I need twenty bucks, please." becomes "You got a few bucks?"
Anyway, that's that.
Now I have a home, but somewhere along the way I lost the ability to care about succeeding. I have healthcare, I haven't used. I have income, I don't save. I have a car, I don't maintain. I don't have friends and I'm doing my best it seems to keep it that way. A twisted game of roulette.
If today one of my already bad tires were to blow, I'm done. If that knock in my motor finally gives, I'm done. Squeaky belt breaks, done. Phone and water get shut off the nineteenth, which is about when my car runs out of gas. Payday is the twenty first. If anything were to delay my paycheck, I'm done. Rent also has to cone out of this check, so no food. Add that to the gallon of water in my fridge and I'm just a bit short on calories for the next two weeks. I'll just pay rent late, pay the late fees, and pay power and heat ahead of time. This uncocks the gun once I make it to payday.. then I just need to make it to the next one and sort out the necessities, rent and utilities from the uncertains, the tires have lasted this long.
Long story short, who cares?