That my dad was in my life and that im happy with myself currently. When in reality it is completely backwards from that. My mom and dad were planning on living together to raise me. However based on hearing from my half brother and my dads sister my parents were not meant to be. They were constantly getting into domestic disputes that often turned quite ugly. I have a good feeling that they only talked to each other because my mom ended up pregnant with me. My dad lived 50 miles north from me and was an alcoholic that seemed only to care about instant gratification. He did visit me a couple times at my moms house but still it was all just messed up. A few months down the road my mom packed up and moved us across the country away from everyone I knew. When we arrived in the new state there was a couple of cousins but they ended up just being judgmental snobby people that shut the both of us out. I was seen as an outsider by my peers because of where I was originally and shunned. So I spent many years alone solitary and trying to trudge along in a depressed state. We visited my dad back home and I saw him bed ridden from alcohol withdrawal. It was sad because he wasn't himself: he looked miserable and wanted to pass away. I finally found out my dad died from cirrhosis and it shattered me. Due to being solitary for a good portion of my childhood I never really share what im feeling, empathy, or connect with any family members. It got worse when I was 16 when I found the wrong crowd and got into smoking cigarettes, got a horrendous tattoo that destroyed my self-esteem to this day, getting high on shitty drugs, and talked down to. I have a lone wolf type attitude because ive suffered in silence being drugged by prescriptions like ritalin, told that im fucked up, and that im useless. People who meet me or kinda know tell me that im really smart, funny, and charming but honestly im just not happy.
I just find myself hard to connect with people on a real personal level because I've never really had a true strong connection with my parents or family members. I sometimes just cry when I see people with a loving family, a happy SO, and a future. I know I got dealt a shit hand in life but it's really shaped my solitary type attitude.
Right now I am enlisting to escape everything and start my life fresh somewhere else where nobody knows me. I just want a fresh start entirely.