I have memories of when I was a kid in elementary school, that I'd go check on dad if he was ready with having a bath so mom could start dinner. I got curious about his penis, which isn't too odd for a girl of about 8. However, I also touched his penis and washed it for him. I thought it was funny and he had a careless attitude about it, too. It was never said to me this was a bad thing or we'd have to keep it a secret. It also stopped after a while. I've never been touched or handled inappropriately by either of my parents. It's just that which happened. I carried on with life and wasn't any worse for it.

When I was a teen I discovered that my dad works in the porn industry. A rather famous porn producer would be a regular at our house since I was a kid. I'd always been ushered out of the room to go play upstairs but the name stuck with me. But as a teen knowing to handle a computer better than anyone in the house, I found pictures and movies and what not. My dad being a camera man we also had a stash of tapes in the house. As my mom and dad became estranged and there was talk of a divorce I picked out things from their shouting matches, like "if the police finds the child porn stored in this house we are doomed".

Fast forward to my early twenties. My mom passed away unexpectedly. This on top of bullying during my childhood sends me into depression so I go into therapy. I have relationship problems with my partner at the time. I told him about all this and he urged me to explore it in therapy, because this is probably why I recoil at the idea of sex. I tell her only about the working in the porn industry, and we have a family talk about it, and my dad explains how he got into it because he and mom would go to swinger clubs because he was into that, and it seemed like really good money because he wasn't managing to make ends meet with 'legit' movie work. He also explained how he was trying to get out of the scene in recent years because of some run ins with bad folks. I forgave him because I now understood, and hoped I'd get better.

My dad and I get along well now. He still sucks a bit at being understanding, but I get this because when he grew up he had no understanding parents. He supported me through family therapy however and I think he has learned some new things too. He's one of the few family members I have so I don't want to go and bring up the past again. There is also the fact I don't know if the memory is real or not. I've read that sudden resurfacing memories can be fakes brought on by trauma. Since I regained this memory after my mom passed away, this could very well be. The rest is real, though the stashing child porn was never discussed because obviously I do not want to get him in trouble. Knowing my dad he probably got pressured into it and then trying to get out got him in trouble with those folks. This is not to say I approve of it. Thing is though, if I brought any of the really bad stuff up, it'd ruin my family and I'd be even more alone than I am already today. And it just doesn't seem worth it if I don't feel certain the memory is real. So I usually just stash this away and try to focus therapy on overcoming bullying and how I can have a healthy relationship instead.