So a few weeks before the incident itself we had a party at my uni house and for whatever reason some crackheads from Essex decided to kick our toilet door in. Although we managed to fix it this meant our upstairs bathroom did not lock properly, so me and the guys who shared it came up with an ingenious system, we would run the shower if any of us was taking a shit and the sound of the shower would prevent anyone from entering.

This worked well for a couple of weeks until one night I ate a bad kebab. It decimated my insides and so I spent the entire next day making frequent unpleasant trips to the karzi. Unfortunately this meant I was in no fit state to go out that night, but since it was one of my housemates birthdays everyone else did. I had no problem with this.

At about midnight I'm still home alone and I feel another tectonic movement in my bowels so I head upstairs and place myself once again on the throne. At this point I hear my housemates get home but given that the house is completely dark bar the toilet light I assume it is already obvious its occupied. This was an unbelievably poor decision because after hearing someone thundering up the stairs I am forced to sit there bewildered, and ultimately powerless, as my housemates bursts through the unlocked door and proceeds to let loose an impressive but nonetheless revolting stream of vomit and partially digested chips into my face, chest and exposed lower half. He'd had a few too many and was forced to come home early to make a deposit at the porcelain bank and sadly in his inebriated state had been totally unable to recognise that I was in the firing line as he burst through the door.

So yeah, having savage food poisoning and then being thoroughly dowsed in my housemates warm beery sick has got to be my worst bathroom incident.