When the thought of killing myself was preferable to cutting my emotionally abusive ex out of my life because if I did that, it meant I was judging him, which would embarrass him and I should be ashamed of myself. How could I embarrass him like that by leaving him like how so many other lying, slutty skanky hos had left him before? I couldn't think of a way to do it that wouldn't be an inconvenience to my landlord and parents, so I got up to talk to a friend. All I wanted to do was flip that switch and cut out all the noise so I'd never have to feel that miserable again, because I couldn't dream of humiliating him by leaving him, when all he ever did was humiliate me. By the end of the conversation, I'd gotten dressed, made breakfast, made my bed, and I was feeling better, but I knew what I had to do.

I cut him out the next day, sent a long e-mail saying why I didn't want to be friends with him anymore/here's why I feel he should get help, I blocked him on Facebook, and burst out laughing. I finally felt like I could be confident, smart, sexy, and happy without being shamed or getting in trouble. I felt like I could be myself for the first time since I met him without getting in trouble. But I did have a huge anxiety attack when I found out he was in a new relationship he'd been setting up when we were working through our stuff, and when I found out she looks like me and his ex-fiancee he was still hung up on when we were together. But my life has got a hell of a lot better with him out of it. I miss my friend when his depression wasn't flaring up, but I don't miss him judging me for knowing something he didn't know or shaming me for feeling confident if he felt insecure and being more sexual on Facebook than he was in person and being part of his harem of ex-girlfriends and ladyfriends who he is convinced are all trying to use him for sex or drugs or favors.

Strong, smart, kind people stay with people who aren't good for them because we know we're strong enough to weather the storm and we're smart enough to figure out their demons and we're too kind to leave someone who's in pain, but the strongest, smartest, kindest and hardest thing you can ever do is leave because you deserve that for yourself. They have to take care of their shit.

Coming up on a year since I left. I miss my friend something terrible, but it's not worth putting myself through the abuse again for the rare time the sun would come out and so I can have the happy, kind, funny, thoughtful person I fell for. He's still desperate to impress people in his past or people who have been cruel to him or people who have been dead for years, so he takes it out on the people who love him. And it's awful when you see how wonderful someone can be and they'd rather stay in the familiar comfort of depression and drag people down with them for company.

I've started going to a doctor so my depression never makes me feel that way again. I hope he goes to a doctor for his depression. I'll be here when he does.

Throwaway because I'm still ashamed I might embarrass him. When I did nothing wrong. Depression is awful. Please go to a doctor.