A short background:
I was raised Christian, Calvinist in fact, baptized as an infant in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. But as an adolescent, I lost "my conventional faith" and (so) I identified as an atheist. I started with God and the universe, and began to study intellectual things.
After some time, I looked closely into my "family history" and discovered quite an impressive Quaker lineage. So I learned from them. Next, lacking in a certain "structure", I became an Orthodox catechumen and explored the Early Church.
However, just before chrismation, I paused to think through one last thing and I acknowledged the authority of the Bishop of Rome. I was given to be an Eastern-Rite Catholic catechumen. Soon after that, I was confirmed in the Roman Catholic Church (Latin Rite). That didn't even last for a year, since I would always lapse into my "old Protestant ways".
This Easter, I went "full-circle" to the Presbyterianism of my youth. No one can choose out of their faith, it seems to me. I could be wrong. This "journey" has been going on for at least 7 years, and many people I've met along the way (Jews and non-Jews alike) simply shrug it off and suggest to me that I've been having whatever "experience" is described by Jewish mysticism.
Now, I was always quite skeptical, saying to myself: "This is absurd!" Although I am beginning to see that perhaps I was always too obstinate to ever actually obey. I'm just a philosophical rebel, I suppose. Anyhow, here I am now. I guess after all this I'm nevertheless (technically) still a Gentile? Is that true? I realized the other day that my default projection mechanism is to unthinkingly and jokingly call others "Caaninites", but I hadn't considered the ramifications of that until this instant.
Anyhow, all of this is linked up with a Presbyterian mentality, and in particular its sense of infant baptism. But the Jewish Mikveh is immersive, and I'm told there is a significant "difference in intention", somehow. I don't know. It seems awfully strange, since I'm left wondering how have I not been "intentional" about any of this so far? But if I really am a Gentile, then perhaps I should learn about Mikveh and seriously consider other Jewish things which to me have at times appeared utterly impossible. Perhaps I've been fundamentally mistaken?
Thank you!