To the sociopaths in this sub

19 year old here. I suspect I'm not a sociopath in the extent many of you claim to be, and some of you are, but I've been brought up unusually (I think) and it led to certain deficiencies in the emotional department that are linked to it.

Here's a timeline of my life as I remember it (suppressed memories are annoying and I remember new things monthly):

  • 00 - 11:

    • Normal kid with normal mates here. In England we go to Secondary school (high school?) once we finish Primary School (ends roughly age 11) and we get our basic qualifications at Secondary (GCSE's). My parents split up around this time, dad moved out, I live with my mother and sister.
    • 11 - 16

I was bullied at Secondary - someone stuck a pencil in my rib and threatened to stab me if I came to "their area" when I was on a break.

I leave secondary school after months of this and other things. I was home educated by my mother (I was a mummy's boy) who herself had mental illness (schizophrenia) and I would often sit down with her whilst she had her episodes or irrational outbursts and sit with her through it (often throughout the night for many hours), this is where I mainly got my calm temperament and immense empathy from.

I also abandoned all of my friends. All of them.

Years of crushing loneliness follow where it's me and my mother and my sister. I got an Xbox around this time - a nice little distraction from the world when I wasn't reading but it got me speaking to other's over the microphone. I develop a fear of being outside here, I have memories of being terrified by public transport and walking to the corner shop. I ran away once after writing psychotic things and leaving "too-spooky" messages about why. I did run away because I was afraid of what I'd do to my family (horrible thought loops here, my cat stopped me from becoming a cutter too, which is pretty amusing).

Cue my sister helping me overcome my painfully shy nature at age 14. Result is I volunteer at a local youth military cadet outfit (I'm super impressionable here, literally waiting to be molded anew). I fit in and become more confident, I shot guns and I made friends and I became more disciplined. I also learned a ton about how disorganized my life was compared to everyone else and how much of a failure I was etc..

Also in this time are when my sister comes out as a lesbian (I'm okay with that, her GF is cool and I got another family of sorts I liked). I also lose my virginity on a beach on the Channel Islands to a french girl in 2011's most disappointing shag. I told no one it happened as I came across as a prude socially, also; she was probably fugly.

Note that I went through most of my character development at age 14/15/16, before that is blankness. I have not matured emotionally but neither am I immature (due to volunteering/life experiences).

  • 16 - Now

I'm sixteen years old, coming back from the place I lost my virginity. I'm on a super high, I'm tanned, and I've got decent confidence comparatively.

I came back to my house on my own and found my mother's body. She died probably two days before.

I shut down. Completely. I remember vividly just looking through a gap in the door (which she'd collapsed against) and saying "Mum, mum" etc... I walk to the neighbour (I didn't have a mobile) and asked her to call an ambulance "because my mum's collapsed" -.-

A few mins later I commit one of the most irrational outburst I ever remember doing (I despise being out of control of my emotions). I punch a metal post hard as I can. It probably hurt. Then I have to phone my sister (who also came home from holiday) and tell her our mother is dead, I heard her start crying/screaming and all that, but I'm just blank, like there is no point anymore, the feels are all gone - but I knew it was more than shock, somehow.

I then phone my father, tell him, then my aunt, she tells other family (mother's family is big). They arrive whilst I'm sat blankly talking to paramedics, they call in police, then call in coroner. I think at one point I crouched down in my neighbor's bathroom, looking at myself in mirror. I distinctly remember telling myself to "remember this moment". I probably cried here (having done my duty of letting other's know).

Fallout from that is that dad moves back home with me (he's super calm, mental illness too but he handles it really well and I couldn't hope for a better role model). He persuades me to go to college next September, I have no formal education but I'm accepted at A-Level standard after doing a few assessment essays (I'm like - wut).

I had never known what my capabilities where academically beyond writing book reviews my mother asked me too and general philosophy we'd talk about occasionally. Now I know I'm pretty darn capable. I make friends, and go to the gym (I was underfed and lost probably 3 or 4 inches off my genetic maximum height - also frail as fuck). I learn lots of new things I had never tried to find out for myself before and learned the broad spectrum of people

There are girls, I try to be charming and fail, it comes across as awkward. I improve my image a little, learn what are good clothes and looks for me and all that (I used to rely on sister/her gf). I eventually get my first kiss (I didn't kiss french girl that I remember) with a 10/10 stunner and I was so retarded with that I just didn't ask her out after we kissed and met up at mine occasionally (I was 17 -.- fuck my retarded arse sideways). No doubt I gave her confidence issues even though - fuck it I've gone and got smitten with a memory. Fuck this post.

Second year of college I go and get my Functional Skills (makes me more employable) and also got Maths/English GCSE's as well as getting high marks for my main course because oorah formal education prospects. I was a bit of an idiot though and didn't work as hard because I didn't feel that challenged anymore, the essays felt cookie-cutter and repetitive. Fucking tool in retrospect as I missed out on maximum grade and got second-best (I'm a perfectionist).

I also left my volunteering, reasons are nepotism and expanding on that will make me rage. This sputtered out my single-minded endeavor to go into the RAF/Navy. I did thrive off the discipline but it also constrained me a fair amount.

College finished six months ago. I could have gone to University but I didn't. I speak to four or five people still, going out clubbing this weekend, in fact.

I learned I thrive off social interactions and can banter with the best of them, but lack the independent drive to do it. I literally have to throw myself into things and my mind compels me to commit to whatever I chose to do.

I have no money right now and smooch of my father. I aspire to publish online alongside my main job, whatever that is. Eventually I hope to restore horridly painted furniture as a hobby so I don't go retardedly nihilistic, and earn a bit off that too (that "What do you earn on the side" thread was a godsend).

I "made it" bro's. But even so, there's this niggling thing, call it practiced autism or what have you, a disconnect between me and others. I make attachments but they wither instantly, I suspect it's due to how I abruptly lost my mother as an emotional safeguard or some such.

I feel like a stranger to the people I spend time with. Occasionally I wonder whether my father notices how estranged I feel in my home. I got over the fact every time I walk into the kitchen I walk over the shadow of my mother's corpse, but it took a year to get there.

Now after the hubbub of college )which was a wonderful learning experience), and I have time to think of myself - I've noticed that everything is dulled to an extent.

I cannot cry without - at the pinnacle of emotional upheaval, linking it to my mother's death, that link allows me cross the boundary and cry properly. Aside from that I won't cry or feel any intense emotion - there's embarrasment and all that, nd I've been a shoulder to cry on for other's and soothe them - but I'm just horribly closed off, my natural state when I'm not "out there" all the time. I am literally a man-child.

One benefit is that I seem to empathize with almost everyone, I'm everyone's "mate", and can move around to make friends with even more people because I attune myself to them. I just don't want to be left out so I become a circle that molds itself to the square hole etc...

Another thing is when I ran away I almost did stupid shit, from there I developed some morals and a sort of code that isn't a code to go by. Add onto this that I get auditory hallucinations when stressed, a fascination with death, and can look forward to worsening schizophrenia in my future... yeh I'm pretty messed up. But I like being me, I forgot to mention I'm pretty narcissistic when my body-image is decent but try and bring other's into it, complimenting them and shit.

Degrees of sociopathy are visible in anyone without cushy lives (and those are rare), I have it very minutely, and I really hope I'm never put in a place where I do something stupid to protect someone, because I won't feel an ounce of regret when I protect something that's mine.

/r/sociopath Thread