My friend and I decided to take an edible together before going to the mall. He was buying a gift for his girlfriend, as they were celebrating their two-year anniversary the next day by going parasailing, but he wanted to give her something as well. We had taken edibles before, but the last one we had taken together was extremely underwhelming. So, instead of taking a ¼ each, we both took half and went on our way.
Seconds after we parked, my friend turned to me and said that he was glad he parked when he did because it started hitting him all at once. A few more seconds pass by and, before we’re even in the mall, he starts saying “I shouldn’t be here,” over and over. I’m still completely sober, so I’m just trying to talk him through it while we make our way inside. While walking towards the food court, he goes completely silent. Every conversation topic I begin with him hits an immediate dead end. No matter what I ask him, it’s just dead air. As we’re standing in the middle of the food court, I start looking at all of the restaurants.
“Do you know what you want to eat?” I ask. Nothing. Not a word. I’m still just looking at the 20+ options before us, and, man, this food court is CROWDED. There are so many people here, why are there so many people? Oh god, there are way too many people in here. Without really thinking, we both just shambled our way out and sat down at the outside dining area. I start looking at all the people around us and there is this guy with these really, really yellow shoes sitting a few tables away. Why would he buy such yellow shoes? Do people like yellow shoes? They’re so vibrant, why are his shoes so colorful? Why are my shoes gray? Am I a gray person? Am I just dark and sad and this guy is happy? Why can’t I be happy like him? I tell my friend, “Dude, look at that guy’s shoes.” He can’t turn his head. He’s just staring down into the wire-mesh table and then occasionally looking up at me to meet my gaze.
“What?”
“Look at that guy’s shoes.”
“Okay.”
He never looked at his shoes. I kept trying to look at people, but there are just too many people. There are so many people… we need to leave. We get up again. We’re now sitting on the outskirts of the mall on a bench, both with our heads in our hands and trying to regain sanity. Oooooh god, why is this still happening?! I need this to stop. What can I do? What do I do? For the first time in 45 minutes, my friend says something without being provoked. “I need water. I’m so thirsty.” Holy shit, dude, I am so thirsty, too. What the fuck, I have never been this thirsty in my life. What the hell is happening to me.
My friend literally can’t stand up at this point, so I decided to venture into the mall by myself and go into a Starbucks. Fuck man, why is this line so long. Okay, I just gotta act natural. Pull out your phone. Pull out your phone. Okay, why am I holding my phone? What am I supposed to be doing on my phone? I can’t stand anymore. My knees are going to explode. Why are my legs shaking? I can’t stand. Okay, just… just hold onto the counter. Yeah, this is fine. No one is looking at you. Just, just… just, yeah. Okay. Line is moving. COME ON, LINE. COOOOOME OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE
Eventually, I reached the cashier and somehow ordered two large waters and started bringing them back. I felt like I just completed a quest and was holding my reward. Holy Christ, I have played too many video games. It’s like the reward center in my brain is just going haywire. GOOD JOB, YOU DID IT!! YOU GOT THE WATERS! Final Fantasy victory fanfare. World of Warcraft level up noise. Fuck man, I have played too many video games. I wasted my whole life. I wasted everything I’ve ever had. What am I fucking doing with my life? Why am I so fucked up? Why am I even alive? This whole life is a joke. There’s no point to this shit. I should just blow my brains out. I’m a fucking degenerate. No one will care when you’re dead.
“Hey man, here’s the water.” My friend takes one sip. His face sort of contorts and he immediately drops the water, spilling everywhere on the pavement.
“It tastes like DIRT! IT TASTES LIKE DIRT!” He couldn’t even drink water. Oh god, what have I done? Is this my fault? No, no, it’s gonna be okay. I just need someone to tell me I’m okay. Drink the water. Drink your dirty water. It’s just water. Dirty, dirty water. Does it actually taste like dirt? What does dirt taste like? Keep drinking it, it’s good for you. Drink it up. Fuck, maybe it is dirt. I’m okay. I’m okay, right? I’m gonna be okay. Okay, I’m not okay.
I immediately vomited on the pavement on top of where my friend spilled the water. We’re both just staring at it for a while, and, oh shit, OH FUCK, OH FUCK THE BROWNIE IS IN THE VOMIT, THEY’RE GONNA FIND THE BROWNIE IN MY VOMIT AND I’M GONNA GO TO JAIL, I’M GONNA LOSE MY FUCKING JOB, OH SHIT NOOOOOOO!!! I GOTTA CLEAN THIS UP, I GOTTA CLEAN IT UP NOW. I started scooping up my vomit with my hands and throwing it into a trashcan nearby until a janitor came over to me and told me to stop, that it was okay. No, it’s not okay. You don’t understand. My friend pulled me away from the vomit and said, “Dude, let’s just walk to your house. We gotta get out of here.” I pull out my phone and plug in my address to Google maps and start following the path. It’s only 12 minutes away. That’s fine. We start walking. And walking. And walking. And walking. And walking. And walking. Oh my god, this is not 12 minutes away. There is no fucking way. Yeah, I forgot to change it from car to walking. It’s 55 minutes away. “We’re 55 minutes away from my house.”
My friend sits down on some guy’s lawn and says, “Fuck dude, I need to just rest for a second.” Alright, lets rest. What time is it? Okay, it’s 5PM. We can take a few minutes.
We both fell asleep on some guy’s lawn. I woke up, mostly sober at this point. It’s 7:30 PM. My clothes are covered in vomit and dirt, my friend is still asleep. There are some neighbors looking at us in confusion. I wake up my friend and we eventually make it back to my house, falling asleep again until 8 AM the next morning. I drove him to his car. He did not get a gift for his girlfriend, he did not go parasailing like they wanted. He was still high the next day. Apparently the edible we took was about 500% stronger than any other edible we had ever taken. I have not taken an edible since this experience.