Met a girl online.

We flirt, chitchat for several months, somewhat "together."

She goes on a trip to see a "friend" several states away, claims it's innocent while spooning in the same bed. CHECK ENGINE LIGHT COMES ON

I leave her high and dry (Obviously disloyal), disappearing for a year, shortly after my return she professes her love for me. CHECK ENGINE LIGHT WITH CHIME

We talk for months, I develop feelings for her (Oh shit nigga what are you doing?!).

Valentine's Day rolls around, she suddenly goes into full bitch mode (and STAYS there for another year) because despite me sending a valentine's day card early, I didn't know she only goes to the mailbox once every two weeks. CHECK ENGINE LIGHT BEGINS TO BLINK

Finally agree to meet in person. She's a little distant, odd, but overall pretty fantastic and as she was online. Commence relationship.

Fast forward a few months, we move in to her mother's place several states northward. CHECK ENGINE LIGHT BEGINS TO BLINK AND CHIME

A month into the new living arrangement and relationship all sex, intimacy, affection and romance ceases, despite my very best efforts to rekindle it, she actively resists my affection, attention and desire for her. CHECK ENGINE LIGHT CONTINUES TO CHIME AND BLINK, TPMS SENSOR MALFUNCTIONS.

We have our spats, but nothing special, I'm fairly accustomed to her endless sea of negativity. It's her hormones, it's the stress of the situation, it's a money issue, it's PMS, whatever, I put up with it because I don't know what else to do.

We finally have enough money to move out of her mother's house, after doing so it takes us a month to get the apartment furnished, our things moved in and what not. She then spends a month watching Chinese soap operas in between attempts at berating me over trivial matters, then she leaves me alone on Thanksgiving, Christmas to hang out with her mother. THE CHECK ENGINE LIGHT CONTINUES TO CHIME AND BLINK AS THE HOOD BURSTS INTO FLAMES. TPMS LIGHT ALSO BURSTS INTO FLAME.