Everyday since I started walking again I've been in pain. Not a lot of pain, not horrifying screaming shooting pain but still, pain. Every step the nerves fire their electric message up to the brain: "pain", like clockwork. Every step, everyday.

This is the thing about nagging pain, it's not like each step is unbearable. It's not like it's robbed me of my old life; I still walk, I still lift - sure I can't run but I never cared to run anyway. It's not even the inevitability of it, if it was just the dread and the fear that I'd be in pain for the rest of my life that could be okay; there always voice begging for reprieve, one good day but it's a quiet voice and I can drown it out. The thing about nagging pain is life doesn't stop happening, it's the same ups and downs and I just can't deal with the lows the same way.

Maybe it would have been a shitty year anyway. There was a break up and a death and fucking work but whatever; these things happen, right? They're unavoidable, being a emotionally stable person means staying positive, if not optimistic at least realistic. Things are gonna trigger negative thoughts and emotions and it takes effort, constant conscious thought to not obsess over these things. Pushing these thoughts out everyday takes work and as much as I want to, there's this pain and I can't. It takes concerted will not to just hate myself and being in pain robs me of the extra effort I used to have. I don't have the same thought control I used to, it actually hurts and I falter and idk, once I started thinking like that it was so easy to keep thinking like that. It was so easy to structure my narrative around how miserable I was and how much I hated myself. I don't want to be a self destructive cliche but as much as I want to change, it still hurts. It hurts. Everyday, every step.

So I'm scheduled for more surgery. Maybe after it won't hurt and I can be someone else. This has nothing to do with romance, sorry.