Embarrassing, but for the sake of helping I’ll share what I’ve learned.

This has been something I’ve worked on really hard. For a long time when I didn’t feel safe or when I felt a little anxious in a social setting, I would start to overshare, which made me feel more anxious, and then it would spiral and I would word vomit negative blech in my life almost stream of consciousness. It was like watching a slow moving train wreck. I knew it was happening, but it just all bled out all over the poor soul on the other end of the conversation. I couldn’t make it stop. I didn’t do it with people I know well. It was only a new person thing.

I learned this is a trauma response. It is super common for people with unresolved childhood abandonment issues. Totally tracks for me; I definitely do. Once I figured out the cause, I realized that I was subconsciously front loading all the reasons someone should not love me or want to be around me to get the abandonment risk out of the way.

I learned that small talk is challenging for people with my background because again, unresolved trauma. Relationships with other people don’t feel safe until the other person knows the shit and has chosen to stay, and shallow small talk doesn’t create those feelings of safety. Small talk can actually be triggering because it does nothing to create feelings of deep connection.

I’m not consciously thinking I’m avoiding pain of abandonment, but the physical sensations/fight or flight are definitely present. As I’ve worked through abandonment trauma and become aware of what I am feeling when it happens, I’ve been able to take the reigns back from the fight or flight response. Just being aware that it is happening, accepting that is what my body is doing, and breathing deeply goes a long way to stopping the runaway train.

Conscious me knows it’s ridiculous to “test” every person and not healthy to think there should be a deep connection with everyone. Subconscious me is still working on not being triggered by light social interactions.

My strategies are specific to my individual trauma, so I won’t share those, but I would just encourage you to explore the disconnect between why your head is telling you that you’re sharing too much and why your body wants to override that to try to create deep connections even when it may not be socially appropriate. Once you figure that out, the clarity will help.