I've been feeling pretty bad lately. I'm lonely, I don't like my job, I don't really have any promising prospects. I keep oscillating between being super optimistic and totally nihilistic. I have had this feeling for a while that I have something to offer the world, but I don't know what that is, or how/when I will find out. I really don't see how I could have a "purpose" if someone else could easily replace me at whatever I do. I make some members of my family a little bit happier, so that's a bit of a purpose, but beyond that, I feel like I'm going up against some kind of wall. I feel this giant disconnect between myself and the rest of the world.

A specific problem that I have that I would be afraid to admit to anyone in real life is that all of my thoughts about women devolve into this insane struggle between fantasies and anxieties. I feel like I simaltaneously fall in love and and imagine repeated rejection every time a girl shows any interest in me.

A constant feeling that I have is that the world at large is completely devoid of meaning. People don't seem to care about things. Everything is ego masturbation and sense pleasure. People's entire sense of morality is derived from what they are told. I don't think I'm better than any one else really though, I really believe that a lot of people that I know are capable of a lot. I feel like the world around me is under a similar form of mass delusion, and I am still delusional, but in a different way.

I recently started reading "psychological types" by carl jung, and that got me interested in looking up information about my personality type. It was such a bizzare experience reading about how infjs think. I honestly didn't know anyone else thought like I did, and I have always struggled to understand why people can't see things the way I do. In a lot of ways this has been a huge relief. I always wondered if I had a neurological condition or something.

I'm not nearly as unhappy as this makes me seem, I just like the idea of getting off my chest.