The last week or so I've started occasionally hitting myself in the head. Not super hard but enough to cause some pain. It's like a compulsion when I have particularly negative thoughts. I feel a little bit silly admitting it. I also have the slight feeling of "maybe you're just doing it to pretend you're depressed and play the part!". I hate that feeling. Do you really want me to share these kinds of things? I know you said to always message you but I can't help but think that being exposed to so much negativity would make you feel more negative yourself.
Video you linked:
I've seen the beginning of that video before, but turned it off because he speaks a bit slowly and I really disliked the style of his opening monologue. I put it on 1.25x speed and watched the whole thing just now. He seems like a pretty smart guy. His mention of large amounts of poor people living with undiagnosed depression struck me as being pretty realistic. I don't know how you can break the stigma of mental illness enough to have a significant effect though. I will say that my decision to seek help may have been in part affected by some banner/poster/billboard things I've seen around my city. I sometimes bike near a couple of hospitals, and they've had these large images of people with text saying something like "I'm bipolar/depressed/some other mental condition" along with something about how it's okay and the stigma should be broken.
Parts of the video made me uncomfortable. Sometimes when people describe their depression and it's different from my own, I feel like that could mean that mine isn't real, or isn't serious. Despite how often I feel badly, and the fact that my doctor outright said "it sounds like you're definitely depressed", I can't shake the feeling of potentially being a fraud. I don't know how to always fully accept that I'm depressed. In the past I've read about people saying they can't get out of bed for days, and I'd think "well I'm certainly not one of those people". Ironically I now feel like I have become that kind of person to some extent. I've been spending 12-15 hours a day in bed for the last week or so.
Suicide:
"Could you put words to what it is you're thinking about when you're in a place of considering suicide?"
I've changed my mind and will answer this question. Please be aware that at the very least, I will share these feelings with my doctor/a therapist before taking any action on them. I'm not about to kill myself, so please don't freak out.
Thoughts:
My story, continued:
I had dropped out of college. I wasted time on the internet and lived off my government loan for about a year. One day the money ran out. The rent was due, and for the first time ever, I was completely broke and in debt. I remember the feeling of intense anxiety and desperation. It was so bad I could hardly sleep.
I applied to a nearby grocery store. I've always felt I've been a good actor when I need to be, and I was able to portray the image of an earnest, hard working honest person pretty well (not that I'm necessarily not those things, but I probably exaggerated a bit). I got the job very quickly. I was able to pay my bills and went back to the norm of spending my time on the computer and being generally unproductive outside of work.
A couple of months later I started playing WoW. I made friends through it and it ended up consuming all of my time. It tricked me into thinking I was being social by chatting with online people all the time.
---pausing again--- (I thought I'd write more on this but can't bring myself to at the moment. My previous chapter contained most of the things I think about. There are some more recent important things that have happened to me, but I feel uncomfortable writing about them, at least for now.)