Ugh, I'm not really sure if this is the right place to bring this up, but I genuinely want to fix this...

I'm a 22 year old male who has control issues.

I think part of it stems from my first girlfriend trying to isolate me from the majority of my family members, guilt tripping me constantly, cheating on me twice, accusing me of looking at other women, etc. This girl pulled shit like this all the time. She used to accuse me of wanting to have sex with my cousin because we were close and would hang out some times. She told me I'd grow up to be an alcoholic, which unfortunately was pretty accurate and was already a reality at that time. She would get extremely mad if I couldn't get an erection on command. All of this happened between the ages of 15 and 16, so obviously I was doing things not appropriate for my age. She was 3 years older than me.

All of the emotional abuse I received began to wear on me and I started becoming physically abusive, and when that happened she just kept provoking me, egging me on. It was almost as if she was trying to get me to hit her so she could get me in legal trouble or trouble with her mother. Eventually the relationship ended after she decided to have sex and begin dating the guy she'd been texting for a few weeks who I was suspicious of.

Fast forward a couple of years to when I'm 18, and I'm at the funeral of a family member who overdosed. I start dating a friend of the family member who was 8 years older than me. This relationship went more smoothly than the first one, though I got drunk and physically violent on one occasion, she ended up cheating as well (I found out from looking through her phone) and the relationship ended after she overdosed on the phone with me and I didn't realize until the next morning when she called me from the hospital. One of the last times I talked to her before the break up was about me being serious about seeking help for drinking and actually quitting. 3 days in she stopped picking up my phone calls, and eventually after 2 or 3 months of calling her to figure out what was going on I decided things were over. I didn't actually stop drinking.

For the next couple years I started to build a pretty strong network of supportive friends, though my relationship with them consisted mostly of drinking. I started having fuck buddies to relieve some sexual frustration but wasn't having any luck developing feelings or trusting anyone, especially after one I did develop feelings for revealed she had a boyfriend after we'd been seeing each other for a couple months.

At one point during this I decided to actively work towards trying to satisfy a sexual fetish that can be considered rare, though with the internet has become more common. Eventually I found a girl I adored, worked hard to make her mine, met her within a month or two of Skyping online, and things seemed to go really well for a few months. I was in complete bliss. Unhealthy bliss. I spent $500 on her on valentines day, spent a lot of time online with her, let my grades slip because it seemed as if nothing else mattered.

This is where the problems started to develop and I began noticing my tendencies towards control. I guess one early sign was that I am athiest and she was very religious and didn't want to have sex till marriage. I accepted this because I was sure I would stay with her for a long time and eventually marry her, but I know in the back of my mind I just thought of it as a security net. If she was against sex until marriage, I could be a state away and not have to worry about her having sex with anyone. The nature of the relationship was Dom/Sub, and I enjoyed the perceived dependence upon me it created. I got to set rules, give punishments, was in charge, etc.

Still, I began getting paranoid about what she was doing and who she was talking to even though I should have been able to trust her. My rules began to become more and more controlling to the point of being extremely hard to follow and I would make her feel guilty about not following them. She put up with a lot of this. Of course, through all of this I was drinking heavily daily which is what I think fueled a lot of it. I started blacking out and blowing up on her, accusing her of being unfaithful, etc. When she threatened to break up with me I would somehow manage to talk myself out of it. Towards the end I began realizing I was doing these things and when she said she was leaving I didn't put up any fight because I realized I was incapable of changing and I couldn't keep lying about my drinking. For around 2 months after that I was just drunk constantly, it was the worst it has ever been. I would pass out and wake up to start drinking three times a day. I got suspended from work for a week because I blacked out at work. I was running out of money from buying alcohol and cigarettes and generally just drinking myself into oblivion until I decided if I was ever going to do anything with my life I had to stop.

I'm 8 months sober. It has taken medication, three counselors, AA and a lot of will power. I'm happy with sobriety. I have a lot more time on my hands that I can remember and I'm generally more level headed and happy. My grades are doing well and I have reasons to feel good about myself.

The further into sobriety I get, the more I realize that when it comes to relationships I am an insecure mess. I unintentionally try and trap people because I don't trust anyone to stay around. My last interest a few months ago was a married woman with kids. She is extremely attractive and I enjoyed her company, but thinking back I think I was attracted to the idea of a "homey" relationship. And if the children got attached to me, then it would be less likely that I'd be left or cheated on.

A long time ago I also decided that if I ever got married it would be after I owned my own house, and I'd have cameras in it so that if I caught anything I could just end it right there. Or that I'd marry someone who wasn't able to financially provide for themselves so that they wouldn't have any other options.

Now that I'm sober I'm realizing that these are extremely unhealthy ways of thinking and that I'm in no position to be in a relationship until I figure out how to change. I don't know where to start. All I ever see about this sort of thing is "men like that don't change" which isn't really helpful to me =( Am I supposed to deny myself emotional fulfillment? I really don't want to make anyone feel like this again. I hate myself for pushing my ex away like I did. I found someone that I connected with so much and I let the fear of losing her cause it to fail miserably, and reading about the warning signs of an abusive relationship and of peoples' experiences similar to this one just makes my heart sink. I'm so sorry =( I need help. How do I change? I want to be in a healthy relationship. I'm hoping being sober makes me a little more trusting and less paranoid but I'm not so sure its going to be that easy.