I, uh, might have been somewhat like your ex. We were probably younger than you guys are, as we didn't live together yet, but I behaved in somewhat the same way. As we got closer I lost my own drive and everything was about her. She was the social one, always going out and doing things and making something of her life. As soon as I got her I started being dependent on her for this and I could completely lose myself in my own 'introverted mancave'. I spend most of my time waiting for the next time we'd do something she wanted to do. I started thinking of her as naive and became jealous. This jealousy reinforced again insecurity and dependency. I just wanted to stay at home with her. She didn't like that and it made me even more afraid. So I started telling her how stupid things were and how the world could be a nasty place. I didn't go as far as your ex, maybe because we were together shorter and didn't live together and probably because she wasn't as dependent on me - I was afraid that pushing more would break us. Long story short: I lost myself in her, stopped working on myself, was afraid of losing her and started changing my views and arguments instead of myself to get her to stay, keep my self esteem normal and convince her that I was right and that she should listen to me. Truth was I was afraid and dependent and we knew it.

Breaking up forced me to take control again. It forced me out and shook me around. I needed to change and experience life again. I couldn't have a relationship with someone to 'fix' my problems! Ffs, I shouldn't even need someone to achieve what I wanted, to become a better person! I hope your ex experiences something alike. If your situation is like mine, then you obviously did the right thing for both of you, I guess. I don't know if this is what you wanted/needed/hoped to hear, but it spoke to me even though its not a direct answer to your question.