Rejection and/or humiliation. I was bullied for the majority of my grade school career (k-12). As a result, I have an extreme fear of “putting myself out there” because I feel like everyone, everywhere, no matter what, is just waiting for a chance to make fun of me and make my life miserable. Imagine going around, living your life, with the constant, overwhelming sensation that everyone you meet is judging you and laughing at you.

I turned down multiple chances for dates because, one time in HS, someone asked me out as a joke just to humiliate me in front of a crowd. I never lived it down. A few years later I was asked out or told someone liked me multiple times and refused to even consider it because of the belief that it was a joke. Things like that happened to me almost daily. I was a favorite target because, according to my parents, if I didn’t react, the bullies would get bored and leave me alone. They never got bored. It just got progressively worse so they could get the reaction they wanted.

Now, I’m 27. I’ve never dated. I have no friends. My family says I just need to “go out, have fun”, “put yourself out there” etc. They don’t understand that that’s one of my biggest fears. I’d rather die than walk myself into another round of humiliation.

I know it’s irrational. I know not everyone is looking at me. I know hardly anyone could give a damn about me, and it’s ridiculous to think every person I meet is just waiting for a chance to humiliate me. I know that most people are not as mean spirited as the bullies I grew up with, and most people are kind.

But knowing it’s irrational doesn’t do anything to help. I think it must be nice to not care what others think of you.