I suggest that anyone who's planning on eating or sleeping in the next 24 hours skip my post.

Bedbugs are proof that either God is dead, or that he actually gave the devil the keys to the "species creator" one night while he was drunk.

There is absolutely nothing redeemable about these fucking things. They contribute nothing to their environment - all they do is suck blood and reproduce, all the while eroding the sanity of human beings.

Speaking of reproduction, these things not only breed by rape, the bedbug 'penis' is a literal needle-dick. The females technically have something like a vaginal cavity, but they might as well not, because the males just stab them in the belly with their harpoon-schlong. If you think that isn't bad enough, consider that bedbug offspring have been known to "impregnate" their own mothers and sisters. They've literally evolved to thrive off of inbreeding.

Female bedbugs have to hide from the males, because if the male so much as sees them, it's dick-stabbing time. And it's not just the females - bedbugs are only sexually attracted to bedbugs that are bigger than themselves, regardless of gender. They're the ultimate chubby-chasers. If the bedbug is bigger than itself, it mounts, and stabs it with its needle-peener.

Getting these things in your house is a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Imagine that you come home from a long day at the office, wanting nothing more than to watch some netflix and then go to bed. Problem is, you know that the second the lights are out, you're going to have parasites crawling all over you and feeding. There's a reason why r/bedbugs can look like a PTSD support group.

You could surround your bed with a moat of sulfuric acid and these things would still find a away to reach you. When I was fighting these things, I surrounded my bed with a ring of diatomaceous earth (it's supposed to be harmful to them) and the sort of tape you use to catch roaches, and I still woke up with fresh bites. I was later told by the exterminator that they were probably crawling up onto the ceiling and dive-bombing onto the bed.

If you ever have to deal with these things, learn from my mistakes and just accept that you're going to have to spend a lot of money on several exterminators. Trust me when I say that losing half of your clothing and most if not all of your furniture will cause you far less mental anguish than being forced to live with these things for months.