I'm not allowed to be independent. I come from a very conservative family, they're very close minded. My family's view about women is very sexist, same can be said about men as well. They believe woman should be submissive, shouldn't complain about anything, serve their husband and family, a woman should know how to cook, clean, take care of children, its fine for women to get beaten up by their husband. My family and their tribe (tribes still exist in Afghanistan) views on woman are ancient. I'm not allowed to attend a college/university or get a job or be independent. I'm not even allowed to go out. I wasn't even allowed to go to school but I've begged them a lot to let me go to school. They only allow girls to attend school for a few years, so they at least know how to read and write. This has caused me a lot of distress and depressive thoughts, it has been bothering me now for 5 years. I'm also very introverted, not shy, just not a fan of socializing. I like to be by myself, i enjoy my own company but this has bothered my parents a lot; that I don't like socializing with anyone besides in school, I especially don't like talking to my family like my aunts, they keep bringing up marriage even though I'm so young. I hate the thought of marriage, I don't like commitments, and all of the marriages I've seen around me were toxic, including my parents, my fathers physically and mentally abusive. He's fine with us he had treated me and my siblings nice and actually loved us but as I grew up I kept 'disappointing' them and with that he grew distant, as he realized my mindset and views don't match theirs. They blame it on my phone or school, that western people have influenced me, that is probably right; as school and social media have made me realize many things.They also hate that I always stay in my room, my social skills are really bad and I'm not smart like the other girls, I don't know how to cook properly, I'm not interested in whatever they do. As a result I feel very self conscious and anxiety. Whenever I talk in English or my mother tongue (pashto) I always feel paranoid cause i feel like i might say something wrong ir act wrong or what leople would think of me. Whenever I've made a mistake they keep saying what would people think if they witnessed my mistake, that they would talk bad. My mother isn't so nice either, I got abused alot as a child till the age of 13 after that my mother stopped though occasionally she hits me, she also mocks me for my looks even though I've confronted her about it; that the teasing she does upsets me, but she disagrees calls me sensitive. I've cried many times in front of them, my father had told me to talk to them about my issues but I couldn't cause I knew they wouldn't comfort me but just criticize the way Im thinking. My mother usually tells me I have the best life, that why tf am i crying for? The mocking and expectation they've had of me has caused me social anxiety and i feel tired all the time, I feel so numb. I don't like to self diagnose but I don't really have any access to a psychologist. It has also made me very bitter and irritable and very angry as well. I'm not a good sister either. I don't like the person I've become and I simple can't bring myself to change. I'm very scared as well, im going to graduate in 2 years after they will probably make me engaged. And I'm so scared, they will give me a choice to say yes or no but I'm not sure anymore. I don't want to get married, I want to attend university, get a job, go out with my friends, get a house for myself and be an independent woman. I want to be loved and reflected for who I am.