Saying no to having emotions and nearly saying no to living.
My first serious relationship was about 4 years ago, but most of the relationship revolved around sex. We started dating my senior year of high school, said "I love you" two months in. He used to talk a lot about other girls, called them pretty, was sexually attracted to them and told me. I cheated on him, six months in, made out with another guy, he found out a couple months later. I begged and sobbed for him to take me back because I loved him. I stopped all contact with everyone but him and his family. We had "makeup sex" a few days later, except he forced it on me, I had to hold back tears and not cry so loud.
Over the next three years I was on a leash. Anytime I would get overly jealous for him talking about sexual conversations with another girl he threaten to end the relationship. He always said I was being overly emotional and illogical. He got suspicious and jealous if he saw me talking to another person and when I told him I had a phone conversation with my brothers. MY FUCKING FLESH & BLOOD. He questioned me when I bought art supplies because he though I was making art for someone else, so I stopped creating things. I was trying everything I could to please him, because I thought I loved him. I spent six months planning his birthday and spent close to $500 dollars on it, presents and homemade cake. A lot of my financial aid money went to him. He spent money me too, but my "thank you" to him was expected to be in the form of sex, I was on birth control so there wasn't any pregnancy scares happening, I told him I wanted a break from it and he said "No". The birth control made me weak, it was hard to breathe, I always felt chest pains, (I had a cancer scare from breast lumps earlier this year from the birth control) I stopped wanting to have sex since I couldn't naturally lubricate as well and it was painful but he would force it upon me at times when I didn't have my period, he tore me many times through unwanted anal sex. I started saying no to him, he would throw a tantrum much like a child. I eventually stopped telling him about my personal problems because all he would do was grope me 80% of the time while I told him, whether it be in private, public, or near his family. It was hard to feel anything but emptiness when someone you love does this to you.
About 2 years in, I asked an old (good) friend advice on what to do with the relationship, my boyfriend had access to my phone, passwords, all accounts so he found out and threatened to break up with me as we were driving to a hill that people hike. I was sobbing so much, I unlocked the door, unbuckled my seatbelt, tried to just jump out so I could stop feeling emptiness and depression. He held me back and we climbed the mountain in silence, with the sound of my crying. When we got to the top of the hill I was looking at the cliff like parts of it and I really just wanted to jump off it and hopefully the impact would be strong enough to stop my life. But I didn't and the most fucked up part of this lil trip up the hill was that he said "Do you love me?", he got down on one knee and grabbed my hand and said "Will you marry me?" At the time I was an emotional wreck and wailed and sobbed like I've never have before and said "Yes" and collapsed to the ground grasping his legs. However, the forced sex, birth control, and isolation didn't stop there. I was still an empty shell of a person robbed of emotions but now I was engaged.
I made a friend about this time last year and told the friend my story. He helped me become a more positive person and he was hurt over emotional relationship as well. We talked a lot during class and had a mutual crushes on each other. But I felt so guilty for even thinking about leaving my boyfriend for him and told my friend that I liked him a lot but I can't flirt with him or be anything more than friends. He appreciated my opinion, he transferred schools shortly after and we slowly stopped talking.
I made another friend in my biology class last semester and I met him before when I was assisting for another biology lab and he was in the class. I found him very attractive and he would always try to talk to me. I didn't make any advances because of my relationship. I was so depressed from isolation and I was getting near the end of my rope. I asked a female friend of mine what I should do because she knew my story. She advised me to end the shitty relationship.
I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend and cutting off all ties with him, blocking his phone number, facebook, changed all my passwords to rng text strings. And now I'm currently dating the guy from my biology class. It's still hard for me to feel emotions like I used to. I always feel guilty for talking to people or feeling a little shitty because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I'm on different birth control method and the breast lumps shrunk a lot and my current boyfriend is mindful that I was in a three year fucked up relationship and he treats me like a normal human being that is entitled to her own emotions. I'm really glad I didn't end my life or had a chance to jump out of the car because I really think this guy (current bf) is amazing and I feel so much at ease to have his companionship and understanding. (we haven't said I love you at all yet and we're taking it slowish).
TLDR I had given up almost all emotion and communication for three years over a really fucked up sexually abusive relationship. But now that relationship is over and I'm slowly getting back to my old self while a new relationship of mine is blooming in the most beautiful way possible.