"how many girls have you slept with?"

i know this is inoccent but i just feel uncomfortable talking about sex with other dudes. it makes me uncomfortable because i haven't even kissed a girl, or had a girlfrend let alone fuck one.

but what fucking gets me more uncomfortable is that guys always talk about "crazy parties... and drugs....and then i fucked/fisted this bitch"

or probably is reflection of the areas i know that i am lacking on like my social circle... its pretty much non existend, i don't really go out and stay at home using the internet(porn/reddit) or playing video games or watchin TV on TV or streaming in the interwebs. i've never tried drugs, beyond alcohol, not even weed. and i could say my life is boring, or describe me as "clean" but that is the last thing i am, i am really disorganized, no commitment to goals, fucking eat junk food everywhere. i am fat, i am just a fuck up, virgin.

but back to the sex,it gets me so uncomfortable talking about that shit, i am not too conservative about sex, i don't mind it, i feel sex is normal and all. but i was brought up on the perception that sex is something you do in intimacy and don't share with people you don't want to share it with. like for one, i never seen my parents even kiss often, maybe my dad embracing my mom from the back while she cooked, or kisses on the neck, but kissing on the mouth about two that i've witness, i feel sex is kinda taboo in my household, like my older sister had a teenage pregnancy and then my dad not allowing my second older sister to continue her education because "she was going to fall the same steps", my older brother being a rebel, my other brother also not continuing anything beyond highschool. everyone in my house hold holds blue collar jobs, so i wanted to be different i wanted, the money or a 'better life' so i went to comunity college after highschool, only to drop out a year later, didn't failed any classes but one semster of english. i later told my parents i was going to drop out since i was really undecicive on what i wanted to persue and to be honest i wasn't enjoying my time at college, i felt more lonely and more friendless even than in highschool. i also didn't know how to drive by then so it was just a pain in the ass taking public transportation or waiting for my parents to get out of work to pick me up.

i mean, i just thought that getting women or getting in a relationship was something that with time it happened, but it didn't, i went through, highschool, college, and now, i am still a virgin. i later thought, how i was just never taught how to pick up girls, like it wasn't that my dad sat down with me, and talked about girls, i've always felt ashamed of my number which is 0. so intead of telling my dad, "hey i am a virgin and i suck with women i need your guidance" i resorted to pick up or seduction forums and the red pill. i learned mindsets that are more destructive than helpful. i stopped that though, when i got a job where my brother works, he also has a blue collar work, the guys he worked with varied in ages, they all share stories about their youth and all of that, that i felt shertered to have not dared to explore outside my home for years! i don't even know my town, literally you'll be speaking with me and i wouldn't know what restarutan or whatever location you are talking about it is. but i learned something from my work is that you have to experience life, is far better teacher than the college mindset, get your degree through four years and fuck the other people who are a blue collar, i understand now that humans are complex and don't fit in a black or white scenario, next thing you know you are stuck in a job for years since you've just went with it.

FUCK i hate my life, and now i have problems that i didn't have before, still a virgin, but some pick up books have helped me a lot with authenticity, like models by mark and mode one by alan currie. among other books. but yeah i don't like talking about sex, because i plainly have nothing to bring to the table. now i think since so much porn consumed and fapping, i'll doubt that i'll get it up in a real life scenario with a real live woman. not to mentioned i always have been scared shitless of women that i get too much anxiety around them specially to flirt with them, i don't even know how to flirt and i've read like 5 books on the subject.

TLDR-- i suck hard, i am fat, virgin, and have nothing going for me. that is why i don't like to talk about sex or 'girst i've sel;pt with"