What if I'm transgender? I don't know about this one, to be honest, and it's really been getting to me for the past few weeks.

I was the kind of girl who through school wore baggy t-shirts and loose jeans. I never wore makeup, hardly ever touched my hair, and didn't really care for shopping or accessories. But I never really questioned that I was a girl. And eventually, I got good at it. I can dress stylishly and match outfits and girl with the rest of them.

A few weeks ago, I was doing the Reddit thing and came upon a post showing the before and after pics of someone who transitioned from female to male. And I couldn't get that person out of my mind for some reason. At first, I thought it was because I was attracted to them. But then I scrolled through more before and after pics of other people, and I read their stories, and some things started clicking.

I was depressed and suicidal through my teenage years. I felt that I was living "the wrong life." I quote that because that's the phrase I used in my diary over and over again when I was a kid. "I want to live, but I don't want my life. I don't want to live this life. This is the wrong life." When I thought about "the right life," I would be a male. I would be a cute boy, definitely gay, small circle of close friends, living in a town thousands of miles away. That was my idea of how to be happy.

And since I actually couldn't have that, and what friends I did have I didn't like enough to be close to, and my family being no where near the family I wished I had, I just determined that my life was wrong and I wanted to end it. And I got so focused on the ending it part, I forgot about what inspired it in the first place.

When I remembered that, I kept going back. As a kid, I never wanted to play pretend as a girl. I actively hated being Princess Zelda, I wanted to be Link. I wanted to be Vegeeta. If me and my siblings ever played school or house or any other kind of pretend game, I always chose to be a boy. I loved my boy T-shirts and hated dresses with a passion.

Growing up, I always joked that I felt more like a gay guy than a girl. Anytime I made an account for anything on the Internet, I signed up as a boy. Hell, I even have an active Reddit account where - even though I don't actually comment or post - I pretend to be a gay guy. All of that, I did way before I even thought about being transgender in the slightest.

I mean, I've always sympathized with transgender people. I've supported them, along with all LGBT+. I've felt bad about their struggles and everything. But I never felt as though I was part of that. I couldn't really relate. I couldn't really empathize. I saw them as some distant group I had no connection to.

But now I can't stop thinking about it. I work in a clothing store, my department is Men's, and all day I just stare at the men's clothes, wondering who I am, why I'm questioning myself in the first place. I feel like a girl. I dress very feminine now that I've grown up. I wear very minimal makeup, but I do wear it. I match my shoes to my outfit and carry around a huge purse and I like looking and being cute. I love my long hair and being called "miss" and going out with the girls.

Yet here I am, up at night, thinking about it again. Browsing all the transgender subreddits avidly, reading every link, every story. Imagining what my life would be like if I were a guy. If I were trans. I don't know, man. I just don't.