I had been depressed and self destructive for years, but had plans to go traveling in Europe that summer. the night before I was supposed to go, I had a complete breakdown and couldn't wrap my head around anything. I didn't go on the trip, lost deposits, felt ashamed to have letdown my friends and family by skipping something that outwardly I was looking forward to for a long time.

then a couple days later, still in a very fragile state of mind, got way too drunk for my own good, essentially admitted to my friends I was going to go home and kill myself. they didn't let me leave, I was miserable all night, woke up the next morning and knew I had to keep moving forward, not hold onto the demons that were driving me to want to end my life. I couldn't allow myself to feel that feeling again.

5 years later i'm much happier with who I am and what i'm working towards. I still slip into depression and think about ending it, but it never goes further and I know deep down I know I have it too good in life to act on my thoughts now.

i'm not proud of who I was before those few days, how I treated those around me and how carelessly I treated myself. but I hit a low and kept moving forward. the 'after' part of my story isn't anywhere close to done but I'm really proud and happy of what it's like so far.