Towards the end of high school, my friend invited me over to his house right after practice. I get to his house and it’s one story, two bathrooms, and four bedrooms; the usual. We bust out Smash Bros. Melee and start playing for a couple hours until before we know it it’s getting late.

I have to take a dump so I go to use his restroom and after sitting down for a few minutes I realize something. For some reason, at this convenient moment, I had just produced the largest, most vile turd known to man-kind. I am willing to bet three months of gold that nobody in the past 6 months had taken a bigger shit in the local southern California area. ~5 minutes later, I finish up and flush the toilet, staring at the floor, proud of myself for getting the job done.

Relieved, I hear the usual surge of water go through the tank, but suddenly realize I didn’t hear the gulp sound it makes when the water (and poo) flushes down. Horrified, I stare into the tank and my biggest of fears comes true. The shit didn’t flush. I opened the cabinet under the sink, hoping to find a plunger, but to no avail. I had already spent almost 10 minutes in there and my friend was waiting. I didn’t have many options. I could:

1) Leave the bathroom, admit my sins to my friend and deal with the consequences

2) Keep flushing and hope that it would go down, even though the bowl was almost filled to the brim with water

3) Attempt to use both hands as a makeshift plunger to create some form of a vacuum seal

However, stupid 17 year-old-me decided to reach into the bowl and GRAB THE TURD, with two layers of toilet paper to shield my hand from the unknown, thinking it would be sufficient protection. I then proceeded to throw it in the trash and brainstorm on how to plan my escape.

I knew the smell would cause suspicion, and as I looked around I decided it would be a clever idea if I climbed out of the window, leaving the bathroom door locked, and then booked it back to my place. My friend never brought it up at school, but to this day there is still an awkward tension between us and I don’t think things have ever been quite the same.

TL;DR: Took a big shit at friend’s house, didn’t flush, grabbed it and threw it in trash can, ditched his house through the window, still not sure if he knows about it.