On the opposite end of the spectrum, I struggled with this for years with my ex. I wasn’t perfect, but I always tried to do right by her. If a behaviour of mine needed to change I would work to improve it.

I’m not talking bad things here, like cheating or lying or wilful negative behaviours. It was stuff like remembering to consistently put the bins out on Thursday night, or not forgetting small things that would make us late etc.

The problem was that weeks or months of consistent “correct” behaviour would be undone by one slip up. Then I’m back to square one, being lectured again that “apologies mean nothing unless it’s backed up by change”, and then finding out the whole time things had been going smoothly (so I thought) there was actually something else I’d been doing wrong that she expected me to realise without being directly told about it.

She later admitted to basically using a points system with me in her head, deducting points for every perceived fuck up throughout the day.

It was utterly demoralising to put so much effort into being a better person only to be consistently told “you’re a fuck-up and you’d do better if you actually cared about me”

And I believed it for years. I begged for forgiveness and promised I’d change.

When she finally ended it she basically let loose and said I had been gaslighting, abusing and manipulating her for years.

That was the huge lightbulb moment when I realised the total disconnect between my own actions, thoughts and intents that I knew were true, and the narcissistic projections of her own gaslighting and manipulation that she had attributed to me as the abuser in her mind.

So fucking glad I’m out of there.