The more I try, it seems I continue to fail. I can't help it. Staying sober leads me to being a dumb-ass and an attention seeker, while staying intoxicated leads me to sleeping more and wanting to relax. I feel the anger constantly building. I feel that I'm torn between doing what my parents want, which is obedience and becoming successful through a day job, along with being more friendly and doing more active things, and between my friends, which pursue me to do what I really want to do, along with intoxicating me beyond what reality perceives as "happy" and too stay youthful although I feel 40 already. I want to concentrate, even though I feel that I'm too distracted by wanting to be the best while also staying unknown. I don't blame anyone; I blame whoever continues to influence me into a certain box. I blame myself for allowing this to happen. Expulsion from school gave me a reason to concentrate more and to also stay as sober as I could possibly be. Coming back to school as given me a reason to act out and to constantly stay exhausted and unfocused, along with staying intoxicated, to numb out all the pain from being split in half. I'm tired and hungry. I'm not homeless, but the more I'm caught doing things, the more I feel addicted to everything that is habit forming along with increasing my parent's negligence towards me [for getting caught doing things]. What should I do?