The other day I decided to shave my ass hair, and I am just now finding out what a terrible decision that was. My ass hair didn’t end up in a cake or on someone’s face and I didn’t cut my taint shaving down there. Hell, I’m pretty sure my ass hair is safely scattered outside and interwoven into a nest for birds by this point in time. No, I fucked up because this is the most uncomfortable my ass has ever been in my entire life.

I figured it was a great idea, wiping a hairy ass after a dump is like trying to get chocolate out of a shag carpet. I was sick of navigating a coarse furry forest just to make sure my butthole was clean. So I figured that the obvious solution was to trim it up. Too bad I never realized that the hair was a barrier to keep my skin from rubbing against itself. My bare ass cheeks haven’t come in contact with each other like this since high school.

There’s chafing; so much chafing. The state of my ass is redder than Texas. It hurts to sit, it hurts to poop, and it hurts to move. I thought that cleanup would now be on par with wiping your ass with silk. Nope, try coarse sandpaper. I flinch if air hits it let alone the pillowy softness of Charmin Ultra. Baby powder has not helped, nor has Monkey Butt powder. The hair is starting to grow back and the stubble is scratching the chaffed areas and irritating it even further. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m afraid will never end. And the worst part? The Swamp ass. Jesus titty-fucking Christ the swamp ass. I sit at a desk all day rocking khakis like Jake from State Farm and a marshy bog of moisture naturally accumulates down my crack. With ass hair it’s fine. Without it, I feel like (what I assume) a dirty slut that didn’t clean up after an adventurous night of ass play feels like. Every time I fart, it feels like I shit myself with the warmest, wettest diarrhea I’ve ever had. Couple this with the fact I ate pizza which gives me gas, and I have been running to the bathroom all day each time I need to let one rip in fear that I might shart myself.

Needless to say I will not be doing this again.