I walked into a cell phone store asking for a job. The manager came out to greet me and he was friendly enough, but he was incredibly anxious. I'm a pretty anxious guy myself, but this gentleman looked practically on the verge of tears, kept rubbing his head, wouldn't look me in the eye, kept looking the other way, you know.

I said "Howdy," (Really, anangryjackass, 'Howdy?') "I was hoping to apply for a job here." To which he replied, "Oh, yeah, sure, do you uh, happen to have a résumé?" I handed it to him and he said "Perfle." Obviously he meant to say 'perfect' but my lizard brain decided to ask him what 'perfle' meant. He stammered out an explanation saying he meant to say 'perfect.' While he was talking, I dropped my folder and papers, and we both reached down to pick them up, bumping heads. We sheepishly chuckled that faux pas off, though.

He asked me to wait for a moment while he ran to his office and I obliged, and when he returned he asked if I could make it to a group interview at their corporate office. I said yes and an hour later found myself at a dreary corporate building with this huge, swamp-like stillwater pond (presumably caused by broken water pumps) that made the campus reek something fierce.

I went into the building to be greeted by an equally awkward guy who asked me to wait in the break room, where I waited patiently for half an hour past the scheduled interview time for the rest of the applicants and his interviewing partner (another manager) to arrive.

Out of eight applicants, I was the only one who showed up. After waiting the half hour, we went into a depressing conference room with chipping paint on the walls, busted ceiling tiles and cheap furniture. They began the interview by telling me about their great successes in their 3 and 5 years with the company (which I now humbly dub BragFest '15) for about 15 minutes and then began their line of questioning with, "Tell us about a time you learned something new and had to apply it to your job."

I have always considered myself a pretty good interviewee, so I don't know how to explain why I blanked out so hard. I fumbled out some ridiculous B.S about how at my previous job, we didn't focus on learning one thing at a time but absorbing and applying much more all at once or something like that. They said "That really doesn't answer our question." and I said "Pass."

Yeah, I said "Pass." on an interview question. I should've just left then, but no, I'm a masochist. I should've asked them to break out the hot wax and whips, too.

The rest of the questioning went a little something like that, with me being unable to provide clear and distinct answers to their questions. Finally, one of them said "Okay, let's try one more. What's your favorite sport?" Being almost entirely ignorant and uninvolved in organized sports, I said skateboarding, because I enjoyed it as a teen. She said "Perfect, sell (the other manager) on skateboarding."

I asked him if he liked skateboarding, to which he said no. I asked if he had ever tried it, again, no. I asked if he had ever surfed or snowboarded, and he said no. I asked if he ever had an interest in even watching those sports, and big surprise, nope. I ended my enticing sales pitch by telling him skateboarding probably wasn't for him.

The other manager said "Okay, I think we have all we need. Just so you know, if you do get this job, we are looking for people who can really connect with our clients." I said "Absolutely, thank you for your time." and shook their hands. They did not make eye contact with me for said handshakes.

Maybe I should have thought twice after the awful interaction I had at their store. Maybe I should have thought twice when I got to their campus, or when I was the only applicant who showed, or maybe even when the interviewer was a half hour late.

In case you were wondering, I did not get the job.

TL;DR

"Hello, I'm looking for a job."

"Perfle, can you go bomb an interview with my bosses today? "

"Boy, can I!"