This might actually be pretty tame considering I was a kid, but I feel sick whenever the memories just pop up. And sorry it's so long btw, I digress for backstory purposes.
So when I was 10 and an old friend of mine was 6-ish (I'm 15, nearly 16 now), we used to play all sorts of those typical little boy/little kid games- I was the 'older kid' and the adults never let me forget it, so I normally ended up having to do what he wanted to do. I didn't mind at the time though, since I was an only child and playing with him made me feel less lonely. We pretended we were power rangers (Power Rangers Samurai was our shit), we would defeat the dragon, we would go on daring adventures in fantastical lands, we would build forts, spy on my mum (as she was dating my now stepfather at the time), play basketball, run amock, stuff like that.
Anyway, as we played, he started introducing more things into our games. I don't remember when exactly, but it started with romance, like I'd be the damsel he had to save or the sidekick who got herself kidnapped. Then it was us being a couple. It was harmless, and we knew it was just pretend; we had a really close sibling relationship, and I loved it since, as I mentioned above, it made life seem less lonely at the time. I don't remember how long after that he started to bring up the topic of sex. We were both kids, he was younger than me dammit, so I don't know where he got it from, but for some reason I went along with it- I had no idea what it was, and I stayed surprisingly innocent until sex ed in year 7 and highschool in general. When we were alone, we would kiss alot (on the lips) and we even tried french/tongue kissing. We would have pretend sex, where he'd sit on my stomach and he'd hump me, moaning and groaning quietly. We even went as far as pretend foreplay, where we'd basically shove our heads into the other's (clothed) private parts and pretend to do oral. He got some throat infection that ratted us out to him mom, so she scolded us on this kissing, but only the kissing since thats all he told her about. So we still had the pretend sex, we just covered our mouths when we were meant to kiss. There was some more stuff too, and we even 'played' in empty hallways of a nursing home. A FUCKING NURSING HOME, where his grandmother or grandaunt (one if the two) would lay DYING.
Went on for nearly a year before we decided to stop. It was alright for a while, but after a while my mum started staying at my stepdads house on the weekends instead of his nans, though I'd still see them, but after I started highschool I was seeing them less and less. I stopped going to stay with him, and he grew past playing pretend and more into video games and all that.
It was alright until sem 2 year 7- sex ed. And I found out how bad our actions really were. I think we always had some idea, since we always promised to keep it a secret, subconsciously or not. We did a pretty good job, we only ever spilt the whole story to two people before we stopped talking. I began breaking down- I couldn't look at myself with feeling so guilty for what I did (even if we didn't mean any harm), I couldn't look at my mother, I felt like I had disrespected my father, I felt horrible and like I didn't deserve any of the good things that happened in my life. I eventually broke down to my mother while we were waiting to disembark our plane at Narita Airport, crying softly as I quietly told her everthing, so afraid someone would overhear and say something about it. I think she's forgotten about it now.
I still feel like that sometimes, whenever I end up thinking about it. I can't think about the boy at all without it coming to mind, it was just one of the biggest things we did together. It was a normal part of my childhood, even if it makes me sick to think about now- I struggled to think about sex in general without wanting to cry, and I felt even worse when I became so disgusted in front of friends and family when they even mentioned sex stuff and I couldn't l tell them why I was against it so much because I was petrified of how they would view me. I'm getting better about it. I'm relaxing more as time continues on, I can even laugh about sex jokes sometimes.
Sometimes though I'm scared he'll come out and say 'she raped me when I was a kid' or he'll spill to everyone in our old community. Logically, I'm pretty sure he won't, since if he tells them he'd have to admit that it was mostly his idea. But I still went along with said idea. I consented. And he can spin the tale to make it out to be completely my fault- I was the older one, I probably knew more than he did, I should've stopped him, etc. I mean, it's kind of similar here; I have a feeling there'll be doubters. It's an old, hazy story to those involved (yes, even I'm fuzzy on the details); we were just dumb kids just being dumb kids. But it scares me alot. I hate going to see him now- even though he did nothing wrong, I just feel so dirty and guilty.
So yeah. That's my story and the most embarrassing thing about me. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.