Well,

I had ball surgery. Now that's one thing. It was a hydrocele that kept getting larger. So I had it checked out. Sure enough, simple surgery. I had it, sat at home resting my stitched up balls. Uncomfortable, but not too bad.

But then it started growing again, inflating a little more every day. Repeated calls to the doc only had him suggesting Epsom salt baths and antibiotics. It grew and grew until it was mango sized and stretching against the stitches. Fully inflated. The tugging pain of the weight was bad. I finally got referred to an ultrasound on a Friday. I called the doc for the results, and he was gone for the weekend.

Faced with spending a weekend with a mango between my legs, I chose to go to the ER. I was admitted quickly and given morphine. They called the imaging center and got the results of the ultrasound. It was a hematoma, but not just fluid. It was more like the inside of an orange, or a grapefruit at this point. The doctor referred to it as a hematomato.

They called the on call urologist surgeon, and off I went for ball surgery round 2.

I woke up in a hospital room, sore balls. The doc and nurses came in, and asked if I had urinated. The correct answer should have been yes, but I told the truth and was promptly catheterized. Ow. But that's still not it.

I asked about the stitches, and they said no stitches, this has to heal from the inside out. from the inside out. This involved changing gauze several times a day. So I had a sliced open freshly scraped ball sack, exposed nut, and they would pack it with gauze directly on the ball. I discovered this the first time as the doc was pulling off the post surgery gauze. It unraveled, and as you would expect, the gauze had dried a little to the bare testicle, so I felt every centimeter unravel. I groggily said "this is like braveheart" and let out a weak "freeeedom"

But that wasn't it.

After the second day, with the gauze being ripped from, then packed on to my naked nut, I had to go, once a day, to a bath of hot, hot water. Water jets were shot at me, making the ball act like a jingle bell, but on fire.

But that wasn't it. This is.

The nurse attending the boiling rattling ball bath had to pack fresh gauze after the water torture. She wasn't a professional ball packer, as she decided to do it with one of those Q-tips with the long wooden stick. She used the stick end to pack it in good, and that's when I knew pain. Sure I was in pretty solid agony for a while, but having a freshly boiled, exposed nut jabbed with the wood end of a q-tip really redefined pain for me.

Tl;dr exposed left nut (as in ball sack flayed open) poked with a wooden q-tip.