I worked security for years at a nightclub in downtown Sacramento while going to school at Sac State. There were many situations that would fit that description but this one stands out the most for the level of regret this individual experienced and how much his demeanor changed within seconds.

A fight broke out between two guys outside on the patio where everyone goes to smoke or sit around the fire pit. By the time I made it to their location from across the room, a few other coworkers were already breaking them apart. One of the guys wasn't happy with us pulling them apart and started wildly swinging elbows at anyone around him, and this being one of the more popular establishments in the city, it was absolutely fucking packed.

As I came up to help move people back and restrain this person, one of his flailing elbows struck me on the side of the head. Up until that night, I felt pretty good about my ability to detach emotionally from situations and maintain composure when dealing with the most detestable of drunk cunts you run into on a daily basis working in that setting.

That night I slipped. The combination of this guys refusal to act like a decent human being, along with the sting of taking an elbow to the side of the head just sent me into a reactionary state. I grabbed him by the neck, swept his leg out from under him and slammed him, face first, onto the soaking wet deck. I held his face against the ground, digging the tips of my fingers and thumb into the soft sides of his neck like a fucking vice, putting all my weight onto him while a little too calmly asking him if he was done acting like a cunt.

He immediately started crying and begging me to stop. I stood him up and walked him outside. He didn't say a single word and walked away down the street with his head hanging low and obviously extremely embarrassed. I felt extremely bad afterwards; I could almost feel his pain and regret and it really affected me.

I stood there almost in a trance, watching him walk away for about 20 seconds before I snapped out of it and went back inside. I tell myself that I potentially kept one of the randoms nearby from getting hit, but I still can't shake the simultaneous rush of pleasure from his immediate submission and the regret afterwards of empathizing with him and feeling like absolute shit for making someone else feel so weak. One of many nights that made me realize the job wasn't worth the perks it came with.

I honestly don't know how police or military cope with experiences far worse without losing themselves in the process. I still think about that years later when ever I feel the urge to get into an altercation and I remember the feeling of regret and pain I had at being the cause of his.