Gottman refers to stonewalling as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse i.e. it’s one of the most destructive behaviours in relationships/ marriages.

I’ve been at the receiving end of stonewalling throughout my relationship with my partner. Oftentimes, it happens immediately in response to conflict, but this silent treatment can go on for days/ weeks.

He’s shared with me that he just shuts down and cannot speak, so it’s clearly a trauma response. When it goes on for a long time, he admits that he’s just trying to avoid dealing with the problem.

Whilst I’m sympathetic to his plight and cannot imagine how awful it must feel, it is so isolating and painful to be on the receiving end of stonewalling. Nothing ever gets resolved and there is never any repair after the rupture.

I have tried to broach issues calmly and used NVC in my delivery - I used to emotionally dump before I knew about attachment theory and went on a quest to heal - I’ve tried to offer space afterwards by leaving or reassuring that we’re okay and the problem is solvable. Nothing seems to work.

I recently voiced my disappointment that he hadn’t followed through on important promises he’d made and told him (again) that I wanted a committed partner to ‘choose me every day’. I even told him that I’d like to live together (70%-80% of the time) and potentially get married one day. Yes, I know. It’s a lot! But we’ve been together for years and he’s told me he wants to grow old with me. All he said was, “That’s a lot of pressure”. I then told him that I’d give him time to process this and we’d talk again at another time soon. I changed the subject, we went out to a family dinner, I dropped him home and everything was as normal. The next few days we texted as if everything was fine, but no calls, which is not the norm. I eventually sent a text to say that I couldn’t continue to exchange texts that were so incongruous with the reality that there was an issue we needed to talk about. I reassure him that I love him and asked him to touch bases when he was ready to talk. Well, it was crickets for several days. My anxiety and upset built during this time until I reached out and asked why he still hadn’t made contact. It blew up and shit hit the fan. Note silent treatment.

I don’t expect others to give me advice about my situation; however, I wanted to illustrate how this dynamic plays out in an AP/ FA partnership.

My mother used to use silent treatment to punish me as a child. I feel the same distress and anguish in these moments as I did then. I’ve told him this, but he still cannot seem to prevent himself from defaulting to stonewalling.

Both partners trigger the hell out of one another in these situations. The irony is that most problems are resolvable when a couple openly communicates and problem-solves. I’ve been stonewalled for simply asking for more quality time and emotional presence because I’ve noticed him distancing himself.

The silent treatment is one of the most, if not the worst, behaviour a person can exhibit because it fuels instability and distrust. How can anyone feel emotionally safe in this situation? What are the solutions to this from both parties?